Back In The Saddle Again

Well I got back down to business today when I filled in for Mr. Marchon, an extremely talented and widely known music teacher throughout the Barnstable Public School system. Before I begin, may I just say…WOW. This man has the largest collection of wooden and metal xylophones I have EVER seen. I myself played with them often throughout the day and let me tell you, those suckers are tuned perfectly. I would not do Mr. Marchon justice without also mentioned his vast collection of percussion and string instruments. It was like the symphony fucking orchestra was storing all their shit in this one man’s classroom.

Today’s schedule was very simple. I had to bring in a class of first graders, sit them down around a boombox, play them 7 christmas songs while they sang along, and then use the remaining time to show them a Muppet’s Christmas Carol. This may sound like the easiest 70 dollars someone could ever make. Let me assure you, it was not.

Now don’t get me wrong, I had myself a fine time. It’s just that…well…it’s hard to do that 6 times in a fucking row. Not to mention Mr. Marchon was nice enough to find the longest fucking versions of “Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer” and “Rockin around the Christmas Tree” that he fucking could. I have never heard so many instrumental version.s By 2 pm, I could have sworn that every song on that cd was at least 9 minutes long. It was literally the world’s longest rendition of “Frosty the Snowman”. I should have thrown “Jingle Bill’s Cock” on there and seen how they reacted to that gem.

Let’s also talk about the Muppet’s A Christmas Carol that we had to watch. No actually, let me rephrase that. Let’s talk about the Muppet’s A Christmas Carol that I had to watch…6 times…in a row…without a break. It was terrible. You want me to recite the first 15 minutes line for line? I don’t care if you said yes, I’m not doing it. It was terrible.

Oh, also we had a Rape Raid Drill. I think it was just like a terrorist bombing raid drill where everyone had to get in the corner away from the windows and doors, but I think it was most likely a drill in case there was ever a rapist in the school looking to prey on hundreds of small children at once.

And also also we had a fire drill. Completely out of the blue. I had to wing it and get my entire class outside for fear of them being incinerated. I’m happy to say that only a few kids didn’t make it and I still have a job.

I actually forgot to mention that while we were watching the Christmas carol during the 3rd or 4th period (they all blended together) one very immature kid was making farting noises and the entire class was laughing. As hard as it was for me to do it, I had to tell them to be quiet and that farts were not funny. Schroeder would have fit in beautifully.

Now I must redress what I have said because it really was the easiest 70 dollars I’ve made in a long time. Besides the HOP. But it was nice. I got to hang out with kids and I even did some arts and crafts. I colored this picture.



Jealous? I know. Vincent fucking Van Gogh over here.

Ok that’s all I got. Take care now, bye bye then.

I Take Not Wearing Sleeves Seriously...Fucking Seriously

So tonight was my last night of work. I had escaped working the last few nights because of that hurricane that hit us. I guess I have to use the term “hurricane” loosely because I got a blitz from Trevor that said that this was the pussiest hurricane he’d ever been in. I guess I have to take his word for it.

Well anyways there was a ton of rain and I was scheduled to work outside. Not too many people wanted to be part of the 3 inches of rain we got in the last 48 hours…I’m not sure why. With all the rain comes growing grass which of course means that I am going to have to mow the lawn tomorrow.

All this growing grass also means more rabbits, which means more fun for me before I leave as well. I smoked this rabbit the other day. It was hopping about all mimbly bimbly eating some grass and minding it’s own business when BAM! I smoked it which my XT Storm Air Rifle at 1100 feet per second. It was awesome. We cooked it up and made a stew.

But I digress…

Tonight was my last night of work and just before I got to work I took a knife and cut all but a few of the threads holding my sleeves to the body of the shirt. When I got there, it was not that busy at all and I was supposed to be in the kitchen expediting food that night so I knew it was game time. When I work in the kitchen I just put food together so that the waitresses can come back and grab it and not have to search in the window for all their food and stuff.

So anyways when I got to work I grabbed one of the bus boys and I was like “come with me”. We headed out into the dining room and I saw one table getting up to leave. I noticed there were a couple other tables just chilling, eating some seafood and such. So I turn to jarrel and say pretty loudly “alright let’s clean some tables” and jarrel grabs one of my sleeves and rips it off while I rip the other one off. I clean the SHIT out of that table.

After that I wasn’t allowed in the dining room for the rest of the night because my boss is racist against no sleeves. What a homo.



But man, did I look good.

The rest of the night flew by because I was so cool and comfortable in the kitchen. I had me some prime rib, grabbed a twist ice cream from Steve and Sues, headed home, finished packing, wrote a b-post and am going to get ready for bed.

I’m leaving for school tomorrow. It’s going to be a long journey. Also, someone is still in my room because summer term goes so fucking late, so I need to get interim housing in Topliff while we go to the Grant. That also means that when I get back from a pretty difficult and emotionally taxing 4 days in the wilderness with a stomach full of mcdonalds and all I want to do is go to sleep in my big boy bed, I’ll actually have to move a bunch of shit instead…sweet.

See everyone in a few hours. Awesome.

Also, ask me about last night. I’ll give you a hint. It didn’t involve sleeves.

Hurricane Lyon Makes Landfall

Ok so I was looking at my post this morning and I decided that it was neither coherent nor enjoyable to read. So I’m going to revamp it with the following.

I started off yesterday working a double at the Fresh Sketch on Main street Hyannis. I knew it was going to be hard as doubles always are, but I made it even worse on myself by bringing freeze pops to work. I brought like 10 and when I got there, my coworker Meghan told me she had like 200 in her freezer at home. So she got her cousin to bring us like 50. We were basically drinking flavored frozen water for the entirety of our work shift so by about 8:30 I was crashing hard.

I finally got cut at 9 and got out of there. Meghan came along with me to Jeff’s friend’s friend’s house in Marstons Mills. We got there around 10 oclock after stopping to pick up a pack of cigarettes for some guy at the party. I don’t know why, I don’t want to know…I’m out.

Once we get there, we see about 10 cars parked in the driveway including Jeff’s Land Cruiser. The garage door is open and people are hanging out, which makes me pretty happy. I get in there and I see morparty.

We hit the place like a hurricane and immediately start shotgunning beers and drinking the finest vodka money can buy. For under 12 dollars. Jenkins, baby. It’s horrible, but it starts to give us some good ideas.

As we look at our surroundings, we start to notice things we’ve never noticed before. C clamps, band saws, drill presses, ladders, hammers, nails, power drills...it is awesome. It turns out this girls dad is a carpenter so he has everything you would ever need to open a keystone can.

The only problem is that all of these powertools aren’t plugged in. So jeff and I set off on a mission to find an extension cord. After a bit of looking we find one, plug in the drill press and start shotgunning beers, powertool style. After a little while we get bored of the drill press (get it? It’s a pun. Ha ha) and move over to the band saw. That is more fun than you can imagine. We cut a few cans open and then jeff decides to saw a bottle in half. He is so surprised it actually works that he drops the bottle on the garage floor where it smashes. He immediately sprints away and I’m standing there like a deer in the headlights while the girl whose house this is comes out and starts yelling at me.

Then, this other kid says he wants to punch whoever it was that broke the bottle. He names Jeff and I go “no you can punch me instead. I’ll take a punch for morparty”. As he’s getting ready to sock me in the face he actually tells me that he’s good friends with Jeff and he was just joking around. I ask him to punch me anyways. He won’t.

Son of a bitch.

After that we drill a hole in a Zhenka bottle and try to shotgun that. Things really get out of hand when this kid tries to drill his dead toenail off of his foot. We decide we need to take a break and go swimming.

We walk up the road to this lake and Jeff and I immediately get naked…we’re the only ones. What else is new. But everyone jumps in. Meghan, Jeff and I swim across the entire lake. When we come back 25 minutes later everyone is glad we didn’t drown and we all head back to this girls house.

As soon as we get there, everyone else goes inside while Jeff, a couple guys, Meghan, and I hang out in the garage. As soon as the girl whose house it is gets inside, I turn the bandsaw back on and start cutting things.

I forget how it came about that this guy said I wouldn’t saw my phone in half, but it did. He double dared me and I had to oblige. “Whatever I don’t even care I’m getting a blackberry tomorrow”. Yep, my phone is pretty sawed in half right now…my bad.



It was ok though because we raided this girls fridge and found some more freeze pops and just ate the shit out of them…it was awesome.

It was a good night but I think it might be my last night of clowning for a while. I need to downgrade Hurricane Lyon to a tropical storm immediately.

[Not] Sorry For Partying

K so I’ve kind of been hanging out for the last couple of days, not doing too much, and just pretty much having an all around good time in general.

I suppose there is one good story from when I was drinking at my friend John’s house. I somehow made it home and went to bed. I woke up in the morning…naked. That is never a good sign. So I shrug it off, throw some boxers on a start to walk downstairs when I notice a trash can and a pool of water by the entrance to my parents door…turns out I trash canned my parents door around 3:30 in the morning.

I honestly can not even imagine how funny I must have thought that was at the time. It is hilarious even now. The crap I had to endure from my parents is nothing to how funny that must have been. Awesome.

Other than that, it has been pretty quiet here

…until jeff came down to the cape.

I didn’t have too much to do for a while. I visited Tmid in Boston which was fun. We went for a bunch of runs, he did some studies for some cash money, and I had myself the most delicious fry-topped pizza that anyone could imagine.



Can you blame me? That thing has “healthy” written all over it.

But after I got back to the cape from Boston, I didn’t have much to do. I worked a lot, ran a bunch, and pretty much burned myself out.

Then, the other night, I got a voice message from jeffe saying that he knew a girl in marstons mills and that he was coming down to party with her on Sunday night. Naturally, I was pretty excited. I didn’t have much to do, I was running out of adult websites to peruse, and I was about ready for some action.

So Sunday rolls around and I’m working a double. After a brutal, and let me stress BRUTAL, Sunday double shift, I finally get out of work around 9. I get my shift drinks and then some. I’m sitting there at the bar eating prime rib with shrimp cocktail downing jack daniel’s like it’s my job. Finally I get cut off and I decide that it’s time to go. So I find this girl that I work with (heretoforth referred to as Meghan) and I’m like “yo, do you party”, and she’s all like “yeah I party”. Which is great, because I also party. So we leave work and I throw on the first sleevless I can find (Player Of The Game) and we head to this girl’s house in Marston’s Mills.

Luckily for me, I don’t know her do I hit the party like a fucking hurricane. It’s bad. I see Jeff at the door and we immediately start hitting this bottle of cheap cheap cheap vodka that I somehow scrounged up form my house. That’s a bad idea in and of itself until we start playing flip cup. So we do that.

After we start that, we decide that this girl who own’s the house must have a father who is one hell of a carpenter. This guy has got some diesel power tools in his garage. I’m talking skill saw, hole boring device, power drill, you name it. So we drill some holes in a bunch of keystone cans, some Tupperware containers, you name it.

Jeff finally bores a hole in some sort of expensive item of dishware and some guy takes it upon himself to be the hero and challenge jeff to a fight. I decide to tell the guy to fuck off and punch me in the stomach because I “will take one for morparty no sweat”. It just so happens that this guy is ready to sock my in the face when he lets me know that he and jeff are friends from high school. He then tells me he couldn’t hit me in the face and we have a beer and laugh it off.

Right after that, we decide that it is a good idea to meander on down to Long Pond and take a dip. After we do that, we decide to go swimming. Naturally, Jeff and I get naked immediately and there is about 12 people there just hanging out. Jeff and I single handedly pick up all of the people hanging out and toss them in the water, stripping away as much clothing as we possibly can in the process. Before too long, there are a lot of half naked to naked (mostly us) people in the water.

We swim around and have a great time until jeff, Meghan and I decide that we’d like to swim across the lake.

So we do.

Everyone thinks we drowned

We didn’t.

Cool.

When we get back, everyone is relieved and we head back to the house. On the way some big guy with sleeves on tries to be a tough guy. I talk him in circles and degrade him for his sleeves…he quickly back down. Tough bucket.

We get back to this girl’s house and it’s getting late. I’m talking, like very late. Like, I’m ready to go to bed late. So I decide that it’s time to kick it up a notch.

The same guy that tried to pick a fight with me starts trying to chirp me. I decided that I’ll chirp him back. After 5-10 minutes of me talking him in circles it somehow comes out that I’m not afraid to power saw my cell phone in half.

I try to call his bluff but it doesn’t work too well. I soon realize that the only way to maintain my dignity is to actually powersaw my cell phone in half. So I get up on that sucker and saw the LG Chocolate into about 4 pieces.

In hindsight, that was an awesome decision. I wish I hadn’t smoked as many cigarettes as I did, I wish I hadn’t got as naked as I did, I wish I hadn’t been as abrasive as I was, but I can honestly say that I’m not sorry for partying.

Morparty.

--- Forwarded message from lyon3000 ---

>Date: 22 Aug 2009 16:12:05 -0400
>From: lyon3000
>Reply-To: lyon3000
>Subject: Re:
>To: Tmid

hahahah that's hilarious. i loved that email. god damn asians...you should ask that guy if he likes doing karate, math problems, eating noodles, or riding bicycles and then say "yeah you look like you do"

--- Forwarded message from Tmid ---

>Date: Sat, 22 Aug 2009 09:16:14 -0400
>Subject: Re:
>From: Tmid
>To: lyon3000

hah. growing up you think that newsmen and news casters are respectable and
important jobs. now i just think they are retarded.
yesterday was my first day of orientation, here are two stories:

there was a 30 segment block of time marked out as 'ice breaker' on the
schedule. this girl from taiwan asked me if they were going to bring out a
block of ice and destroy it. i had to explain to her that it was a metaphor.
then had to explain to her what a metaphor was.

after cocktails and dinner, this asian guy came up to me and asked me if i
liked to drink. i was like 'yeah, definitely'. he then replied, 'okay, i
thought you looked like you liked to drink'. uhhhhhh what does that mean??

Oh Yeah

Ok I forgot something. I was working tonight at the fresh sketch and I had some sort of dilemma with a customer who was calling form Long Island.

It was about 7:30 and I got a very urgent call from a Gentlemen who neeeded directions to the sketch...So I gave them to him and informed him that our kitchen closed at 10:30. He said that it would not be a problem and that he would be there in time.

Flash forward to 3 hours later...this guy shows up to fresh catch, a 5.5 hour car ride later and sits down...wouldn't you know it...he's sitting in my section. After ordering a long island iced tea (which he downs in about 2 mintutes no exaggeration) he asks if we still have lobster left.

We don't

He's lived and I feel like a huge dick hole. The guy travels 5 hours to eat lobster at our restaurant and we're out of lobster.

Lucky for me, the guy is pretty chill and orders a different seafood dish and gets ready for his lobster feast tomorrow while his kids take FOR-FUCKING-EVER to eat their food. By now it's about 11:20 and I'm ready to get the fuck out of there.

If I've said it once, I've said it a thousand times...people need to work in the restauranat business because very few people actually get that the time that the "kitchen closes" is waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay fucking past what time I'm supposed to be out of there.

People need to fucking tune into reality and get what is going on in the biz.

Also, my sister (a '13) waited on Arnold Schwarzenegger the other night...baller.