Wizard Staffs

Nicci has this house in Hyannisport that she’s been house sitting for at least a year and a half now. I’m not complaining because it gives me a great venue to see a lot of the kids that I don’t want to see when I come home from school.

All joking aside, this really is a good group of kids that I like seeing, but random ass people show up and kill everything. For instance, last night Kendall Kweefer showed up with her white/black boyfriend and basically fucked him right there in the kitchen. I havn’t seen such aggressive face sucking since Miner went to town on that asian girl in the heorot basement.

But I digress. I picked up a delicious rack of Keystone milkshakes from Luke’s super discount liquors and went back home to wait for John Atsasilly to pick me up. Although I was being a responsible binge drinker and getting a DD, it was extremely foolish on my part to have picked John because he has a huge problem with what I like to call “being on time”. It’s extraordinary about how consistently late he is and he certainly did not disappoint last evening either. Not only did John show up 45 minutes later than he said he would, he also forgot the duct tape. If your name is Elliot, Oliver, Trevor, John, Alex, Brendan, Dwayne, Ethan, Graham, or Michael Vinny Ibanez III, you’ll know where this is going.

I know digressing is one of my strong points and I’m going to play my strength here by discussing something about John Atsasilly from high school. One day he showed up with a very sharp looking rugby shirt that may have been Ralph Lauren and was probably given to him by his grandmother. Don’t get me wrong, he looked very dashing, but the color was crimson and gold, the colors of the Gryffindor house, and this was at the height of the Harry Potter books/movies. We were in class and he was doing a problem on the board and when our teacher said that he got it correct, Dillon and I yelled out “10 points to Gryffindor!!!!”. Unfortunately for John, this was probably about second period, and he had at least four more classes to go through that day. Also unfortunately for him, the comment caught on like a plague. He made it through the day and I don’t think he ever wore that shirt again. I still feel really badly about it and urge him to wear his shirt because it is really nice and I feel guilty that he doesn't wear it anymore.

So anyways...after we went to CVS and replenished our supplies of duct tape, we started getting after it and our wizard staffs soon began to grow. Our powers became magnificent and I lost track of the number of times that I had to explain to people what exactly I was doing. The game was a great success and a few other people began to play. They were mere druids compared to John and I, however, and we reigned supreme.

When I was about a level 8 wizard, a kid showed up that I had never seen before. I think my not having seen him before was the reason for my general level of happiness, but as soon as he walked in the door and I saw his double popped collar, gelled back hair, and polo sweater, I knew I was going to have to fight him. So I continued enlarging my staff while I stared him down from across the room. The snide comments began just to John but I soon started chirping him from where I was sitting. I told him that he had a “nice get up. Are you in the show?” and also kept asking him how the abercrombie photo shoot went. He ignored me for a little bit but when he started questioning my staff, I knew I had to get serious. I pressed him further by asking whether he “gives or receives” when he engages in homosexual intercourse.

It was at this point that another individual became the brunt of my attack. Some kid with a flannel hat that I then straight up told him that I was trying to pick a fight with him. He took the bait and we had a pleasant exchange of manly insults which resulted in us going outside. As I rolled up my sleeves, John stepped in and said that he wasn’t going to let this happen. It was at this point that I remember my true mission for tonight: to make the largest wizard staff anyone had ever seen. I told the guy that I just had a huge problem with that kid dressing like a huge d-bag and that my wizarding powers were far superior to his anyways. He agreed that perhaps the double popped collar was a bit excessive and we went back inside and had a drink. Anticlimactic, I know. Ian would have fared much better than I.

I continued to add to my staff, stopping only to pull my trigger in order to make more room in my stomach. When the people outside watched me pull my trigger they tried to sit me down and give me water, but luckily I performed the summoning charm “accio staff” and they quickly realized that my powers were not ones to be reckoned with.

I kept my staff growing and entertained myself by chirping the people playing beruit. I almost got into another fight as I insisted that the ball washing cup was completely unnecessary and that anyone who washed the ping pong ball off is a sissy girl. A lot of people felt very strongly about “ruit” and I decided that picking a fight with all of them wasn’t worth my time.

By this time, my staff had grown to somewhere in the teens and I couldn’t really see straight anymore. I had a really long conversation with some girl who was training to run the Boston Marathon. I gave her some training advice and in return she held up the other end of my staff so that I could drink it. Bless her heart.

I figured it was about time for me to go home so I called up my little sister and she picked me up and drove me home. After booting out of my window, I went to sleep and woke up this morning with a splitting headache. When I rolled out of my bed, I noticed that I was completely naked. I shrugged, threw some sweatpants and a t-shirt on, and went downstairs to have a delicious bowl of Honey Nut Cheerios. Mid-bowl, my mom came into the kitchen and asked me why I was wandering around the house completely naked last night. I didn’t remember and also didn’t answer. Level 17 wizards don’t have to answer to servant wenches. I then went to the YMCA and swam a bunch while thinking about whether or not it was weird that my mom watched me walk around the house naked. I’m going to say yes, but I’m not going to worry about it. At least I wasn’t at Carmody’s house.

--- Forwarded message from Lyon3000 ---

>Date: 09 Dec 2007 22:35:59 -0500
>From: Lyon3000
>Reply-To: Lyon3000
>Subject: Re:
>To: Alexandra S. Agius
>Bcc: Lyon3000

--- Alexandra S. Agius wrote:
These are serious times. And you as a student in New Hampshire are in a unique position to determine who our next president is and shape our country for years to come.

We are just one month away from the New Hampshire Presidential Primary on Tuesday, January 8. It is time to make a choice in this critical election. I truly encourage you to spend some time talking to your friends and family -- really asking them the reason why they are supporting their candidate. Make sure they are supporting that candidate for all the right reasons.

This election is not about what seems fashionable -- it is about real people and real issues. Some Americans have nothing. People are working two or three jobs, struggling to put food on the table for their families, and worrying about how to afford treatments for things as basic as dental care. We need to keep them in mind when we cast our vote. We need to work together to make it to the polls and vote for the candidate that will fight for those Americans the way that they deserve to be fought for!

We need to go to the polls because we need a President we can trust to get this country back on track. Hillary Clinton has a plan to make college affordable for all Americans, to get us out of Iraq, and to tackle global warming. I want a President who cares about the issues that are important to me and has the strength to take them on starting on day one.

I trust Hillary Clinton. She has been fighting for children and families for 35 years. After graduating from Yale Law School she turned down all of the high paying jobs she was offered and became a staff attorney for the Children's Defense Fund. She wanted to fight for those who couldn't fight for themselves. When she makes a decision, I know that she is making that decision because she is looking out for me, you, and the people who need it most.

My mother taught me to stand up for myself, and to stand up for others. And so when I go to the polls, that's what I am going to do. And I hope you will join me and vote for Hillary Clinton for President on January 8.

Have a great break and see you when you return.

Sincerely,

Alex Agius
Dartmouth 2009
--- end of quote ---

Wow, that was wonderful. Thank you so much for you informative and truthful blitz. I totally agree with you. In fact because of you, on January 8th, I'm not going to vote for Guilliani, Romney or evn Obama. I'm going to write in Alex Agius!!!

Seriously, give me a break. Not only is it pathetic that you are Blind-Carbon Copying the shit out of this entire campus, It's infuriating that you're doing this while I'm writing a 10 page paper for my History Seminar. I am more enraged by your blitz than I am when I recieve blitzes from girlfriend who is a lying skank.

Tough break on having the mom that taught you to stand up for others. My mom taught me how to change my cars oil, fix a radiator, tie my shoes...you know, useful stuff.

"Oh hooray for Hillary Clinton. She is all powerful and so smart and SHE is the ONLY person who can save us from the woes that the Bush Administration has single-handedly caused!!!" I'm sick of people declaring and mandating that there is only one president for me. ME. That's just it. It's me. I'm tired of being told what to do. If I wanted to be told what to do, I would move to Russia and marry my girlfriend.

Even if this raging closet lesbian does get elected, you cannot sit here and tell me that she is going to wave her magic elder wand and make everything better. Or can you? "Hillary Clinton is a super sweet gal who can fix global warming in, like, a day!!! 2 days max!! She can also get all of our troops out of Iraq and prove to the world that we are huge pussies who can't finish what we've started!!! lolzz!" Give me a break. George Bush is doing good things for this country by whipping some Middle East ass. And plus, I need the oil to run my big, oversized SUV.

I would love to see that PMSing woman fix my college tuition. You know what happened when I asked for financial aid? I got laughed at. It may have been because I have a summer house on Cape Cod, it may have been because I'm upper middle class and a huge baller, I don't know. But what I do know, is that when I went to an open meeting hosted and spoken at by James Wright, I asked him what he planned to do about the 2% increase in tuition that is going on every year. I asked him if perhaps he could dip into the College trusts and maybe help a brother out. You know what he did? He evaded my question completely and fed me some pompous bullshit about how he's doing everything he can to keep tuition down and spirits up. And I sit there and all I can feel is the asshole of middle america getting wider. The President, Democrat or Republican, can't do shit about college tuition.

However, I suppose I digress. My main problem is not that you're lobbying for a woman, but that you're lobbying at all. And to make matters worse, over blitz. You should thank your lucky liberal stars that I didn't come across you in Home Plate. Why do I, in the middle of a paper that isn't going to write itself, to I have to break my delete key over spam mail not from Chi Gam about Red Bulls or from Kappa about some bake sale, but from you. If you would take a step back and look at the effects your Blitzmail for Hilary '08 campaign is having, you will surely see that it is negative.

So when you go to the polls on January 8th, have a blast voting for Hillary Clinton. I'm going to vote for whoever I damn well please.

In closing, please do not force your opinions upon me, and please do not ever blitz me again.

Best,

Lyon3000
Dartmouth 2010

Dwayne Alexis: A Case Study

It’s Christmas day and besides finding out that someone used my debit card to order a flight on airasia.com (what the fuck?), I had a pretty good day. I got a run in, did some strides and then wore my new jcrew clothes around the house all day. While I was sitting there, looking so good, I began to think of another guy who also always looks good. I believe the quote is “hey, it’s tough to look like you just woke up all the time”. Dwayne is a good guy, no question. I like him and I enjoy spending time with him. I like his laugh, I like his outlook on life, and I really like that grimace he makes when I ball tap him in the basement. But there’s been something that’s been on my mind for a while, and I think it’s time for it to come out.

Dwayne came to campus in the fall of 2007, eager to make a name for himself. Unfortunately, the name “Alexis the troll slayer” wasn’t quite the name he had in mind. Not to mention, his name is the closest thing to Krystal Steal (krystalsteal.net) I think I've ever heard. Anyhoo, The evening after his first ever Dartmouth Invite, he had a fierce and passionate (much to Corey’s dismay) make out session with this girl.

Ouch. But far be it from him to be kept down by the (wo)man, he got back on the horse and a year later found a new friend. He must have had a fetish for brutal dinner conversation and the consumption of fair trade bananas.

As if eating dinner at home plate with her wasn’t bad enough, Dwayne had to jump in a steal Kat eidmann (who was dancing with bloc party) for a quick make out session. As chris put it, “I did all the work, and Dwayne did the naughty stuff”. I think naughty would be putting it lightly, Chris because quite a few other words come to mind. After kat eidman, Dwayne came into his sophomore fall with the odds stacked against him. His recent lover (kat) was on her term abroad and she had found a new boyfriend from high school to replace 6 of Dwayne’s 12 inches. But Dwayne was not deterred, for as soon as the freshman class of girls showed up on campus, he used his wonder twin powers to lassoe one named marissa.

Marissa is a decent looking young lady. She's very skinny and has a build similar to a 12 year old boy, and intelligince comparable as well. There’s no denying that she’s a few fries short of a happy meal. I remember on a bus to some meet I looked over to see her using a brand new pack of crayolas in her very own little mermaid coloring book. I had to clutch my head because I felt an anneurism coming on as it took every once of my energy not to let my foot fly right into her skull.

I believe it may have been this point in his life, and perhaps the very same busride, that Dwayne took a good look at himself and said that if he couldn’t get the good girls, he might as well get the good looking guys. He began with a gentle transition into the realm of sausage boxing when he met this young man.

Fair skin, long hair, and gentle touch, Ben was just the kind of guy that Dwayne could sweetly yell, “eh yo bramhall, I really wanna suck your dick right now. No homo”. Bless their hearts. After the Ben train had run it’s course, Dwayne needed someone more substantial to fulfill his desires. He turned to this fine figure of a man.

In his traditional “I do what I want” pose, John is clearly saying that he has no regrets about his actions. Flannel shirts, boot cut jeans, and Stetson hats are just regular attire for John, and Dwayne can’t help but fall victim to his manly charm. This leaves me only to wonder what or who is next in Dwayne’s digression of sexuality. He's progressed from the womanly, to the boyish, to the extremely manly, and the way I see it, there’s only one final way to go: the manliest man of them all.

Steven Spielberg

Trevor got some similar results:


It never gets old.

First Time Prank Call

The other day I decided to log into my bearshare account and see if I could dig up some songs I've been wanting for some time now. However, when I searched "Hank Williams Jr. Country Boy Can Survive" something despicable and appalling came up instead.


"Country boy can survive hank two guys shoot their cream inside hot girl's tight ass [cumshot] first time prank call" wasn't exactly what I was looking for. Very close, bearshare, but better luck next time.

Jumanji

Jumanji is one of those movies that you remember lines from long after the last time you’ve seen it. For instance, I can still remember the look on Kirsten Dunst’s face when she gets owned by the poison dart shooting lotus flower. I find it very similar to the face I imagine she’d make while climaxing. But I digress.

My main problem with Jumanji is that it ends far too abruptly for me to call it a classic. Sure it’s a good movie and a hell of an idea what with the board game turning into a doomsday device and bringer of all sorts of beasts, storms, and creatures, but the end comes much too quickly. After drawing out the monsoon scene, the scene with Robinson Crusoe Robin Williams, and the scene with the spiders, Alan, Judy, Sarah, and Peter just start rolling the dice like it’s their last 10 dollars on a craps table. And wouldn’t you know it? Bam, just like that, the game is over.

Far be it from me to take away from the awesomeness that is Jonathan Hyde’s dual character at the end though. He portrays the hunter that is shooting at Robin Williams and his bullet reverses directions and gets sucked, along with an entire Serengeti stampede, back into the game. That scene was fucking awesome. And lest we forget the exchange between Mr. Hyde and Mr. Williams:

“Any last words?”
“Jumanji”
“Oh my shiiiiiiiiiiitttttttttt!!!!”

Awesome.

One last thing I’d like to point out is that the kid versions of Robin Williams and Bonnie Hunt are idiots. After experiencing shit ruining things like crocodiles, monkey face transfiguration, flesh eating spiders, and pesky game-stealing birds that all came out of the game, they concluded that the best way to get rid of the game itself would be to tie a couple of bricks to it and sink it to the bottom of the deepest stream in central park that they could find.

“I’m starting to forget what it’s like to be a grownup”
“That’s ok as long as we don’t forget eachother”
“Or our mathematics test this Tuesday!”
“Quite right, let’s make out now and stay together for the next 20 years even though we’re only 8 years old now. It will totally work and we’ll never get into any fights because of all the hardships we have already experienced!”

Give me a break. They obviously were not thinking clearly and I have much pity on the two Indian kids who find the game on their beach at the end of the movie. If their lives become ruined, I suggest they take it up with jackass kid versions of Robin Williams and Bonnie Hunt.

I press again, that this movie is excellent chewing gum for the mind. But, like most movies, Jumanji has many implausible and seemingly fundamental flaws within the movie. The key is to suspend your disbelief and look beyond the flaws themselves to instead focus on the excellent mindless entertainment that is plotline in Jumanji.

Snow Day

I woke up this morning and immediately had to sit down because I was so sore from yesterday’s long run. After I summoned the energy to walk downstairs, I glanced outside and noticed that, as Ron Burgundy predicted, it had snowed about a foot last night. So I got my breakfast in me quickly, and then spent the next 4 or so hours shoveling out my house, the house that we’re renting out to a German family starting tomorrow, and the entirety of our 200 yard long driveway. That was a ton of fun. After I finished, I gave John Atsasilly a call back and he said that he was going sledding with his little brother at the Hyannis port Golf Club. I jumped in and went up there to meet him. Sam Wilson was also there and we rejoiced in merriment. Much fun was had by all. To indicate how serious I am when I say “by all”, here is a picture of my dog. He is obviously having quite a bit of fun.

Then I started picking a fight with a bunch of 8^th graders by throwing snowball at them while they snowboarded down the 16^th fairway. Good thing they brought their boards to take advantage of the fresh powder on the golf course. Anyways, my aim picked up and we started hitting them with a pretty good percentage. It was awesome because I was bigger and stronger than they were. I think that's where bullies get their rush from. Anyways, things started heating up and I was about to throw another snowball when I saw one kid lean in front of another kid just as he released a snowball and he got absolutely housed in the face. After I stopped laughing, we went over there to see if he was ok and it turns out blood was streaming down his face. So we set him up on a snow bank and grabbed some tissues from John’s car to stop the hemorrhaging. He was alright, and we headed out because all of the blood on the snow made it look like someone had been murdered.

After that I went home and took a nap, but when I woke up, my dad said that because I did a great job shoveling today, we could get Dragonlite Chinese food. It is so delicious. I would liken it to the General at the Hop on Tuesdays, but I really can’t say which one is better. That’s like asking me to choose between Mandible and Seabiscuit in a hot body-weird face contest. It can’t be done.

God Bless Us, Everyone

Today was awesome. Even though the massive snowstorm hit Cape Cod at 5:30 at night, we somehow had a half day of school. Idiots. But I’m not complaining. I woke up nice and early, had some flapjacks, and went to school where I spent approximately zero minutes doing anything productive. For the first hour of the day I watched “A Christmas Carol”. But it wasn’t a new version of it or anything, but instead it was the one from probably about thirty years ago. You know, the one where Tiny Tim is so pale that it looks like he has malaria the entire time and you just know he's been riding the white horse. He’s supposed(ly) just crippled, but I know better. Anyways, we watched that, then the kids went to enrichments for an hour. Enrichment for me was learning how to make an origami crane. Learning took longer than I thought and by the time the kids came back from enrichments (an hour later), I had ruined 3 pieces of origami paper and succeeded only in injuring my foot from kicking things in distress. 20 minutes later, however, the kids were finger-painting christmasy things, and I totally nailed the crane. Elapsed time: 65 minutes. Behold.

The Barnstable public school system payed me 75 dollars to make this here crane. Awesome.

And Again

Thursday started off in possibly the best way that a day has started off for me in a long time. As I was checking attendance, I ran down the list of bright eyed and bushy tailed students and came to the final student who responded when I called “Wu Wu Wu, Kenny Wu!!” It was awesome. He didn’t know what the hell I was talking about and I’m guessing that 90% of the people reading this right now (so about 4 people) don’t either. Here shitheads:

Kenny Wu is obviously the token Asian guy that Disney decided to put in D2 to diversify the cast. He was a pro figure skater who decided to pick up a hockey stick one day, and nobody’s been able to touch him since. God I love that movie.

In the first class, I looked up from my desk as soon as I heard “level 60 hunter” and wasn’t at all suprised to see the two kids I saw having some serious World of Warcraft talks. It went a little something like this.
“My friend is level 60 hunter and he said hunters are really good.”
“Well my friend is a level 60 warlock and he says hunters are too hard to level in the beginning but that they rule so hard.”
“Warriors suuuuuuuck.”
I know how much Alex Hall would like for me to continue narrating this brilliant think tank that was first period this morning, but I couldn’t deal with it anymore after the warriors suck comment. Although, don’t get me wrong. Warriors do suck. For sure.

Now when these two kids finished spraying wild chum to W.O.W. all over the room, the period was over, and I had two periods off in a row. Since I had been working so hard reading “A Farewell to Arms”, I went home and took a nap. Yes. Seriously.

When I got back, I went through three straight periods, had my lunch, and finished up the day by reading this gem of a pun on the teacher’s desk.

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and, with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him (Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good) a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis. Excuse me for a second. Ok, I’m good.

I finished my day and jetted over to the high school where I ran a 30 minute tempo run at 5:18 pace. It was awesome, and a lot of kids in the area had a ton of nice things to say about my Gold Medal Drinking Camp issued Nike short shorts. When one of them whistled at me, I gave him the finger and politely told him to fuck himself and get a job. He then asked me for a blowjob. I’m not sure where he was going on that one or if he realized that he is a completely moron. But I am sure that years down the road when I vacation back here in the summer, all my kids will enjoy the piping hot fries that he serves to them in their adorable kids meals.

At it again

Ok so I’ve been putting this off for a few days, but I have quite a few things to discuss concerning Tuesday the 16th's day as a substitute teacher.

Tuesday was my second day and I subbed for an old friend and none other than Mrs. Heather Cattabriga. She’s a very nice gal, but her students are ridiculous people. I mean, I probably shouldn’t go off and say that because quite a few of them were well behaved. But a few of them either had syrup shots in the lunchroom, or ADD is becoming more prevalent then I had realized. I pulled the old “walk around and ask people fucking around for their last names so that they think they’re getting put into the substitute’s report” trick to get a few kids to be quiet, but for some kids that didn’t work. For the kids who just couldn’t seem to get their shit together, I had to use the walls of Jericho and bear mace. That worked fine.

After things had settled down, I started exploring my room and found this picture to Mrs. Cattabriga from her kid.

Now I never was a Monet back in my elementary school days, but I mean come on…fuck. That is terrible. I don’t even know what that is. Is it a donkey? Maybe it’s a cat? Who the fuck even knows. My best guess is that it’s his imagination of what would happen if a piece of shit mated with a coathanger. Awful. If my kid ever tries to give me a drawing like this, I am just going to lose it.

Another thing of note that happened on Tuesday was that Mrs. Everson (another teacher on the team) was on a power trip. I knew this lady because I had played hockey with her son far longer than I would have liked to during my youth, so I had a bit of experience with her being a raging psycho. So the deal is that if the kids are good, they get to watch a movie on Friday, which is the day before vacation. The movie is going to be Wall-E so you can bet that the kids are on their best behaviour. I wanted to spell behaviour with a "u" there because that's how the British spell it and although they have poor dental hygiene and suffere from the gum disease gingivitis, I view them as being quite intelligent. I'm hoping some of that will rub off on me, but I'm not betting the farm on it. Anyways, when the kids were doing something extremely harmless like maybe talking a little loudly and Mrs. Everson would come over and say something like "Oh, it looks like John doesn't want to come to the big party on Friday". I just thought that she was being unecess-esarily dick-like to the 12 year olds who couldn't control their energy if they tried.

After school on Tuesday I had to hop a bus to the high school track meet at Wheaton College. Haley ran 5:59 with a ferocious kick on the last lap, and Greg ran 10:56. Baby steps, everyone.

Job Hunt

So finding a job is pretty tough. Although I have a sweet deal lined up for coaching the winter track team, working as a substitute is proving to be harder than I thought. All the teachers in the schools have their “preferred subs” who get asked to fill in first before the emails trickle through to me, so I’m not getting any action there. I went to about 15 places between yesterday and today in an attempt to get a job. Bed Bath and Beyond and Banana Republic told me that they “might have something in a week or so” and the rest told me to take a hike. By “the rest” I mean, 2 CVS locations, jCrew (waaaaaaah I wish), American Eagle, Olympia Sports, Sears, Bath and Body Works, Gap, Best Buy, Eddie Bauer, and FYE. Tough life.

My dad keeps telling me about the time when he was in college and on his off term he worked at McDonald’s for 6 weeks. The way he did this was by telling them that he would be around until “next fall” and then quitting just before he had to go back to school. Apparent(ly), they also wanted to make him a manager his second week on the job. Also, he said he used to bring home all of the quarter pounders with cheese for his 3 brothers and 1 sisters and they used to feed on them ravenously. I’m not sure what he’s getting at, but there’s no way I’m working at McDonalds. But then again, I would get all the McChickens I could eat...and all the free Frutopia I could drink. Mmmm...frutopia.

A Few Things I Forgot

After I slept on my first day of subbing, I remember a few more points that I feel I need to make.

1. Yesterday I witnessed the best trade I or any of you have ever heard of. A kid named James had just bought (might be a bold assumption) a pair of brand new Nike air Jordan sneakers, but something about him just wasn’t happy. He wanted more. Specifically, an 80 gb ipod. More specifically, he wanted Dan’s 80 gb ipod. Legit, the trade went down in the middle of gym class. Dan’s 80 gb ipod for James’s Nike sneakers. Here they are

I don’t feel as though I need to further explain myself. These shoes are dope. True story.

2. Teaching assistants are hot. Especially ones named Ms. Guba who graduated from college three years earlier. Even more so if they have a great body from running track all through college and from keeping up fitness by working part time at a gym. However, it is not so hot when they are dating a 35 year old man who is also a teacher in the same school. It’s even worse when you figure this out after talking to her for nearly an hour. True story.

3. I need to work on my negotiation skills. After trying every trick in the book (even the oldest ones) I couldn’t figure out how to get Clayton to finish his twelve math problems. So he cut me a deal. I say that he cut me a deal because he is the one that initiated this, layed out the terms, and he is also the one that demanded that I go in on this deal. “I will do this problem set if you do 5 pushups for every one that I get right, bitch.” I agreed. He crushed the thing in under 2 minutes. Turns out he hustled me pretty good and I had to do 60 pushups. True story.

The Mad Real World

So I arrived at the Barnstable Middle School at Hyannis around 7:30 this morning. It was cold, raining, and I was hungry because I slept through my alarm. I could tell it was going to be a great day. I walked into the front office and found out that I would be subbing for my former 8^th grade math teacher, Mr. C. The same Mr. C. who didn’t think it was funny that I liked pulling people’s hands out when they were carrying a stack of books so that they would fall all over the floor. I don’t care who you are, that’s funny.

So I’m setting up my gear and getting ready for a fun filled day of administering worksheets and reading “A Farewell to Arms”, when Mr. C. shows up. So I think to myself “oh great, looks like I’m getting kicked out my first day on the job. Fanstastic.” But it turns out that they actually had an opening for me helping out with the remedial kids. As I walk down the hallway, I think to myself about how ironic it would be if the remedial kids are taught in the same room where I used to do the gateway program 8 years ago. Go figure, it is.

I get into the room and I start to see what it’s like when things get real, mad real. In addition to them playing basketball, eating McDonalds that the teacher brought for them, and blatantly listening to Ipods during class, the following interactions occurred.

Boy: Did you know Michael Jackson got plastic surgery to make himself white?

Me: I didn’t know that. That’s pretty cool.

Girl: That ain’t cool. He raped the little boy from Home Alone. Look, I’ll look it up online.

Me: No that’s ok you don’t have to.

Girl: I’m going to anyways. Besides, I’m just going to look up “Michael Jackson”. Not “did Michael Jackson rape the home alone kid”.

Me: Ok good, because I was worried there.

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Don: What the fuck. There’s no fucking way I should have to fucking do my work today. I’m a fucking baller.

Teacher: Don stop swearing. You shouldn’t be swearing.

Don (singing along to ipod): I pull my dick out and you start suckin.

James: You disrespecting my teacher?

Teacher: [no words]

My favorite was without a doubt a young man named Clayton. He is a 12 year old 7^th grader who happens to carry around stacks of 20 dollar bills in his pocket. Bless his heart, he probably just cashed in his piggy bank and is on his way to Toys R Us right now to get some gifts for under privileged children. In all seriousness, this kid was the nicest little guy ever and if he could focus long enough to read a paragraph, he was really smart. When the English teacher read an entire chapter of “The Call of the Wild” he had a hard time paying attention except for when Buck was getting whipped by his owner. For those of the less literate, "The Call of the Wild" is the heart warming story from Jack London of a sled dog team and their leader, an Alaskan Malamut named Buck. Needless to say, Clayton could relate to Buck very well. He had the following to add to the conversation.

Clayton: If I was that dog, Buck, I would just run away from that n*gga.

Teacher: Well that would certainly be one way to deal with getting over used as a sled dog running across the Yukon Territory.

Clayton: The Yukon what? Fuck that. What I mean to say is first I’d bust a cap in his ass and then run away.

Mike: It’s a dog, dumbass. You can’t bust caps.

Clayton: I’d do it anyways.

These kids were unbelievably bright and smart, but boy they had some serious issues. I’ve never heard so much swearing in one place. And trying to get them to stop was like trying to get sneakers o’toole to take his sneakers off: impossible.

Anyway, after a very long day where I got through approximately 3 pages of my book, I met with the winter track team for Barnstable High School for the first time and acclimated them nicely with a 15 minute tempo run. I’m fairly certain that one of the kids threw up. At least he knows who the big poppa is. There’s a few kids who are decent, but it is going to be a struggle for all parties involved. Tough decision on my part. I had to run 3 extra mile after practice, but it made me feel like somewhat of a hard guy/Schroeder by adding on that much after practice was done.

After practice, I went to CVS where I heard the song "Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays" by N'Sync and immediately though of Trevor and the Christmas lockeroom mix. After thinking of Trevor, I decided that I'd end my night with an ice bucket party, which recquired me to go to Luke’s Super Discount Liquors. However, the discount I received wasn’t all that super and to add to things, I dropped the box on my brick walkway. It was probably made in a Chinese sweatshop which is why the box sucked so much dick, but I ended up breaking two bottles. That’s two delicious and precious brew dogs that I don’t get to drink alone in my T.V. room while watching movies by myself. *sigh*. That’s all I can think of for today. Plus, Talledega Nights is on, and it’s one of those movies that deserves my full and undivided attention. Shake and Bake baby. I love saying that. It rhymes. They're both verbs. It's awesome.