Dwayne Alexis: A Case Study

It’s Christmas day and besides finding out that someone used my debit card to order a flight on airasia.com (what the fuck?), I had a pretty good day. I got a run in, did some strides and then wore my new jcrew clothes around the house all day. While I was sitting there, looking so good, I began to think of another guy who also always looks good. I believe the quote is “hey, it’s tough to look like you just woke up all the time”. Dwayne is a good guy, no question. I like him and I enjoy spending time with him. I like his laugh, I like his outlook on life, and I really like that grimace he makes when I ball tap him in the basement. But there’s been something that’s been on my mind for a while, and I think it’s time for it to come out.

Dwayne came to campus in the fall of 2007, eager to make a name for himself. Unfortunately, the name “Alexis the troll slayer” wasn’t quite the name he had in mind. Not to mention, his name is the closest thing to Krystal Steal (krystalsteal.net) I think I've ever heard. Anyhoo, The evening after his first ever Dartmouth Invite, he had a fierce and passionate (much to Corey’s dismay) make out session with this girl.

Ouch. But far be it from him to be kept down by the (wo)man, he got back on the horse and a year later found a new friend. He must have had a fetish for brutal dinner conversation and the consumption of fair trade bananas.

As if eating dinner at home plate with her wasn’t bad enough, Dwayne had to jump in a steal Kat eidmann (who was dancing with bloc party) for a quick make out session. As chris put it, “I did all the work, and Dwayne did the naughty stuff”. I think naughty would be putting it lightly, Chris because quite a few other words come to mind. After kat eidman, Dwayne came into his sophomore fall with the odds stacked against him. His recent lover (kat) was on her term abroad and she had found a new boyfriend from high school to replace 6 of Dwayne’s 12 inches. But Dwayne was not deterred, for as soon as the freshman class of girls showed up on campus, he used his wonder twin powers to lassoe one named marissa.

Marissa is a decent looking young lady. She's very skinny and has a build similar to a 12 year old boy, and intelligince comparable as well. There’s no denying that she’s a few fries short of a happy meal. I remember on a bus to some meet I looked over to see her using a brand new pack of crayolas in her very own little mermaid coloring book. I had to clutch my head because I felt an anneurism coming on as it took every once of my energy not to let my foot fly right into her skull.

I believe it may have been this point in his life, and perhaps the very same busride, that Dwayne took a good look at himself and said that if he couldn’t get the good girls, he might as well get the good looking guys. He began with a gentle transition into the realm of sausage boxing when he met this young man.

Fair skin, long hair, and gentle touch, Ben was just the kind of guy that Dwayne could sweetly yell, “eh yo bramhall, I really wanna suck your dick right now. No homo”. Bless their hearts. After the Ben train had run it’s course, Dwayne needed someone more substantial to fulfill his desires. He turned to this fine figure of a man.

In his traditional “I do what I want” pose, John is clearly saying that he has no regrets about his actions. Flannel shirts, boot cut jeans, and Stetson hats are just regular attire for John, and Dwayne can’t help but fall victim to his manly charm. This leaves me only to wonder what or who is next in Dwayne’s digression of sexuality. He's progressed from the womanly, to the boyish, to the extremely manly, and the way I see it, there’s only one final way to go: the manliest man of them all.