Forwarded Message from Lyon3000

So I have been housesitting for the last couple days in a house that belongs ot the parents of a girl I have known for about 2 and half months. Awesome.

---------- Forwarded message ----------
From: Lyon3000
Date: Tue, Nov 23, 2010 at 8:19 PM
Subject: Update!
To: Lo-Ro, D-Rob

Hi Family!


I hope everyone is having a splendid time in the magnificent US Virgin Islands. I hear you’re all down on St. Thomas right now and it must feel good to have your feet firmly planted on US soil. I knew a kid in high school that I played hockey with, his name was Zach Kirwin, whose father lived on St. Thomas and by some lucky stroke of fate, he got to leave dreary, drab, and uneventful Barnstable, MA after his freshman and live with that very same father in St. Thomas. I will say there is probably not much hockey in St. Thomas; still perhaps you will run into them.


But I digress; I suppose it’s time for me to give you a big strong update from Prospect, Kentucky. I am nearly certain you’re not missing anything back here. After all, you have the family, you have the cruise, and you certainly have the sun, sand, and surf. Nevertheless, I realize that it is my duty as a house sitter to update you as to the goings on back at home.I regret to inform you that I have not actually sat on the house yet. The closest I have come is only to sit on the front stoop while I wait for Lucy and Beckly (sp?) to tire themselves out. I’m sorry to have let you down in this respect but I feel certain that I’m earning top marks in all areas otherwise.


There are a few things of note that I would like to address. First, I found the Boston Red Sox Turvis Tumblers. First of all, I know that you must have purchased those in the last couple months knowing that I was to look after you home. Second, my grandmother’s go to gift at any point during the year is the Tervis Tumbler.Third, I love the pirate Tumblers as well. I like to live my life as I imagined a Buccaneer would have live his. Do you know they are guaranteed for life? You can literally go to a thrift store, buy old, cracked, and decrepit tumblers and send them in for brand spanking new ones. ¾ of the glasses in my home are either Turvis Tumblers or monogramed JAL wine glasses (for my father). A joke: how much did the pirate charge at his piercing parlor? A Buck-an-eer!


I have been taking most excellent care of the dogs. I have bathroomed them several times a day and rewarded good behavior with treats and lots of love. I liken the situation to a good friend of mine and Psychology pioneer, Ivan Pavlov who rewarded good behavior of his very own German Shepherd in order to facilitate and encourage more of that very same good behavior.


I have made several spectacular meals. I really must take a moment out to remark on how talented I am at whipping up frozen pizza. But no, really, I am quite the cook. I hope it’s alright that I fired up the big green egg on Saturday to watch some football to while grilling burgers. I know you are all dying to find out who won the Patriots/Colts game and I can assure you with a settled mind that the good guys have indeed emerged victorious. I watched the game outside in the 65 degree weather (tame, I know, compared to the tropical weather you all are experiencing) and enjoyed some delicious flame broiled burgers the likes of which I have never seen. Similarly, tonight a made a bomb omlette…a bomblette if you will. I included the fantastic ingredients of bacon, bacon, bacon, and a bit of corn. I looked around for some greens but found none and I have never been happier. It is at this point in my update that I must take some time and thank you again for stocking the fridge. I could not appreciate anything more. I have eaten like a king and slept like the princess sans the pea. Also, I must say that the Gushers are a huge hit at work. Everyone is extremely envious.


After getting over my initial fear of inhabiting an entire house all by my lonesome one the first evening (the fear was indeed quite sizeable), I began my campaign for the elusive and eclectic 150cc Mario Kart Special Cup. Rest assured that I have beat the entire game in all modes with Yoshi currently and you will never again have to worry about playing or not playing with King Boo, Funky Kong, Baby Dasiy, or Baby Luigi. You’re welcome.


Tonight being the eve of Wednesday, I have indeed taken the garbage out to the curb in concurrence with your suggestion and I am optimistic that tomorrow morning will bring another glorious garbage pickup. I plan to update you on the goings on of things of this nature as the events unfold. Speaking of smelly things, I utilized your very confusing but very efficient, competent, and economical front load washer last evening. I am happy to say that my shirts, after a good ironing, no longer look like I have very recently unpacked them from a cardboard box as they have for approximately 2 months now. I thank you for that.

My thanksgiving plans consist of my buying a bottle of American Honey Bourbon and bringing it to the house of a woman that I work with. I believe it is somewhat trite for me to say that when I have bourbon in social gatherings I really come out of my shell. I anticipate a fantastic evening of football and getting to know a very lax and enjoyable group of Kentuckians.


As for the puppies, everyone is doing fine. I must say, Beckly (sp? This is the last time that I will use the addendum “sp?” because I believe I have already established that I do not know the correct spelling of his name) has certainly been pushing the envelope as far as being a cordial and mannered young fellow. I also feel confident to say that the other dogs in the house have taken notice and made sure to let him know, in dog speak, that very few asinine and sophomoric actions fly in my house. Haley has been especially good at behaving, while I still cannot quite get over how large Kenny is. I love them both the same and am happy to give them both pats on the head, kibbles and bits, and water whenever they look at me with that question and appetitive gaze.


I have to be honest to say that Lucy is my favorite. Very often I will take her out front with Beckly (as he is completely incompetent and lost without his front yard leash walk) and I will take her up the street a small ways, beckoning her with the highest frequency voice I am capable, only to watch her turn tail and sprint back for the house. SO CUTE. She has slept with me every night so far and last night was especially amusing while at the same time exhausting. There was a very powerful and compelling thunderstorm last night that I had no idea was occurring until I woke up thinking that I had an XBOX or Nintendo Wii controller next to my head. I awoke to a very scared and docile Lucy shaking like a salt shaker; obviously terrified of the loud and earsplitting thunder outside of the house. I had to scratch her back and tummy for about an hour to calm her down but she was SO CUTE. My dogs do the same thing but I will tell you that there is much disparity between a 65 pound German Shepherd and a 10 pound fluffy ball of cuteness.


Speaking of Lucy, I was walking her and Beckly the other day and I met a very nice lady from the neighborhood name Leslie with a dog that looked strikingly similar to Beckly. I went up, introduced myself and asked the name of her dog. I thought she pointed and little baby fluffball Lucy and said “Lucy”. To which I replied, “Yes, this is Lucy. Beckly is on the leash” and then went into the ownership of both dogs and how Meghan and Lauren’s parents had asked me to look after their abode while they were gone. After a brief and very awkward hiatus, it came to pass that Leslie’s dog was actually named Lucy and that she probably had no idea as to the context of the story of which I had just narrated to her. Needless to say, thing where a tad awkward after that. No matter, I see her every day and I have since smoothed things over.


I suppose that is all the update for now. If you have read until this point, bless your heart. I hardly expect anyone to have read this far so I will tell you something that not many people know about me. My favorite country: America. My favorite band: Goo Goo Dolls. And despite my history of manly, masculine, and virile hobbies I have never broken a bone. Plenty of stitches, though. Anyways, I hope you are all doing well. I miss the good cheer you bring about but suffice it to say that I am taking care of your wide screen television and most importantly, all of the puppies.


All best,


Jason