Everybody's Working For the Weekend

Last week, I suffered through a very long and stressful series of days in which I played a ton of rock band and ingested a lot of alcohol. So as you can imagine, I really needed this weekend to come. And fast.

When it did come, it was pretty nice. When I say nice, I really mean that the entire thing was a pain in my ass. Well not for all of it, but for some of it.

It all began on Friday night when the entire East Coast was being shitkicked by a windstorm the size of Glenn’s mud monkey from the other day. So my parents were hanging out in Virginia, you know, waiting for their plane, and captain helpy-helper comes on the intercom to say that their flight is being cancelled until Saturday morning. If people wanted to get out of there that night, they could take a flight to Logan Airport (Instead of Providence, RI) and take a bus home. All they had to do to get their ticket was close their eyes and suck it out of a hose.

So after they got to Logan airport, they caught a bus home and all was well. I thought.

7 am Saturday morning, I get woken up by DJ Jazzy Jeff who was in a fit of rage.

“Jason, we’re driving to Providence and you’re driving the car back.”

“Are you kidding me? It’s 7 am.” That didn’t work. So I got into the car and after driving through Fall River, twice, I was finally back home. I had to take 3 or 4 showers, but I finally got the awful smell of Rhode Island and Fall River off of me. Hi John.

Then I decided it was time to get my number for the Hyannis Marathon that started the next day. After some serious arm twisting and head giving, I managed to get myself number 4033 or 4400 total. Talk about a hole in one! I also got some nice gear at the Expo show there including 2 pairs of Asics 1120s for 30 dollars each. I didn’t even know that they made 1120s in Asics, but I was game. And now I know. Knowing is half the battle.

After that I went home and wrote a blog post.

Then I went to bed at 9 pm and woke up the next morning, ready to run a shitty race. Parking was hard to come by so I literally knocked on doors until I found someone willing to let me park in their driveway. Turns out the lucky person was this tiny little old lady who offered to even move her car so that I could park in more easily. Well do you know that scene in Austin Powers 2 where he tries to turn his cart around in a hallway and he eventually gets it stuck in a perpendicular position to the way that the hallway runs? That actually happened with this old lady between a bush and her garage door. She was literally doing about a 50 point turn and getting no love out of it. It was hilarious, and I would have loved to have stayed and watched it, but I had big thangs to do.

It turns out that this race wasn’t exactly stacked with competition and I ended up winning that one in a whoppingly fast time of 34:58. Granted, the 10k was definitely at least a tenth long, and it was cold today, and kind of spitting sleet and this crazy Italian named Luca took it out hard (5:30), and I kind of had a bad case of athlete’s foot, and my hand kind of hurt from flipping pancakes the day before, and I was a little tired from my week at Dartmouth. Oh yeah, and I had been training for three weeks. Tough bucket for this guy.

Well that was pretty nice and all, and because I was exhausted, I went home and took a long ass nap after masturbating extensively to naughty websites. Am I joking or not? You decide!

When I woke up, I packed a months worth of shit into my suitcase just to see if it would fit. I know you’re all wondering if it fit into my suitcase, and I’ll be happy to tell you that it did. So I’m all ready to go and my suitcase is packed like a motherfucker.

After the packing was finished, I watched the movie stepbrothers and it was fucking hilarious. That movie is so quotable, I might need to buy it. If I can’t use at least one quote from that movie every day that I’m alive, I will have wasted it. It’s so amazing.

In the beginning, John Riley is talking to his dad about what might happen if he marries this new wife and then she starts coming on to him. “What happens if I step out of the shower and she sees me and, you know, I’m lookin good. I mean, she’s had the old bull, what happens if she wants the calf?” Ahhhahahah priceless.

There’s also this one scene where the dickhead younger brother is trying to get his father in law to sell his house in order to get the John Riley and Will Ferral kicked out of the house and he has this to say to the father. “Look, I’ll sell your house and I’ll even do it for 4/5ths comish. you know what really gets my dick hard? Helpin’ out my friends.” Amazing. Go to a place where videos are rented or sold and rent it, or buy it, today. It is a delight.

After stepbrothers, I had an awesome dinner of roast beef and potatoes and then I hit up the old man hockey. I’m starting to get my hands back, and my skating has always been there. I really wish I was going to be around to help out team tuna in the championship, but they are just going to have to get the W alone. I know Ethan is eager to get some ice time, and I really think he’s going to step up bigtime.