Ok. So there are clearly many movies on television that have no right
to be there. For some strange reason, Networks believe that if they show movies 3 nights in a row, it will somehow up their ratings. Well I have some news for you Walter Cronkite…it won’t. The following are
movies that I love and should be shown more, in their entirety, without cuss words cut out, and more frequently. Also, I believe that the following epic quotes should be shown three times each movie and used in your common vernacular whenever possible. Don’t care if they don’t tie into the plot, just show them. They are good. Deal with it.
2 Fast 2 Furious – There is very little in this world that makes me happier than 2 Fast 2 Furious. “But J-Ly” you may say “what about the first movie, LOLZ!!” Wrong. The first movie was pretty damn good. It had the speed, it had the whips, and most importantly, it had Paul Walker. However, the second movie includes Tyrese. Fresh out of prison with a serious vendetta, this character steals the show and is responsible for nearly 90% of the amazing quotes from this movie.
Doctor said I got a High Metabolism – If you use this quote in the office and someone gets it, chances are that person is a G. Also, chances are that he/she will be a friend of yours for life.
We Hongry – When can you not use this quote in life?
Bruh – Hate this term normally, but love Paul Walkers use of it in the movie. Mostly because he’s white, but more importantly because Tyrese(Edit: MB) is black.
Hook – I absolutely love this movie. Robin Williams, Dustin Hoffman, that South Pacific gem of an actor that plays Ruffio…nothing to hate.
Lookie Lookie I got Hookie – anytime that you find yourself in a “checkmate” situation, you can use this and look like a champ doing so.
Bangarang – if you perhaps are eating a sandwich that is bomb, have solved a tricky math problem, or even just finished going to poundtown, this quote is always a necessity.
Substitute Chemistry Teacher, Math Tutor – if you ever want to insult someone and have them not know what you’re talking about while your friends do…use this.
You’re doing it Peter, you’re playing with us Peter – best quote to use if someone has finally jumped on board and likes what you’re all about. Just say it and if he gives you the head nod, things will be good for this day forth.
Independence Day – well t his movie is just amazing. I like to reference the time where a couple friends of mine and I were staying at Uncle Mike’s house and I came to the place of revelry and merrymaking, saw the television and eclaimed “Oh Independence day, I love this movie”. Not 3 minutes later, Motor Boater came down and said the same thing. It was fate that we were to be good friends.
Welcome to Earth – anytime you school someone in any game whatsoever. They will not know what to think and you will most certainly be the man.
Man, I have got to get me one of these – you can use this anytime you stumble upon a new device or activity that you have never once encountered before. It’s lights out.
Men in Black – since I’ve obviously got a chub for Will Smith, I needn’t justify this movie here and now.
Sugar. In water. More. More. – Uhhhh yup
Elvis isn’t dead. He just went home – I can’t really think of a good time to use this..but I’d just suggest implementing it wherever possible.
Congratulations. It’s a…squid – you can definitely use this quote whenever you encounter something strange, novel, and odd that you haven’t seen before but have come to love.
The Outsiders – This all star cast is just amazing and I’d love if this movie was shown more on public broadcasts. Patrick Swayze, Tom Cruise, Emelio Estevez, The Karate Kid, Rob Lowe…pretty much everyone from this movie made it big except the main character.
Stay gold Ponyboy - Anytime
That sure is Tuff – Tuff is clearly a synonym for cool and there is much heresy about this term during the book and movie. It is a replacement and much more street term for the common word “tight” and should be used whenever possible.
Brink – Such an awesome Disney Channel Original Movie.
Soulskaters – this can easily be used when you and your friends come to a consensus in a feeling you have upon some object, place, or idea. You have clearly been united since the cradle and all good things must be united in holy fratrimony.
Pointbreak – This is just an amazing movie. Love the dead presidents, love the surfing aspect, and I absolutely the love Keanu Reeves playing the same role he played in every movie up until this point and every movie afterwards.
Johnny Utah – What a fuckin name. Really can’t beat that.
You’re about to jump out of a perfectly good airplane, Johnny. How do you feel about that – love this quote because it really embodies what I’m all about: jumping out of airplanes.
We only live to get radical – again, really sums up how I like to live my life.
Not Another Teen Movie – Trevor and I have probably watched this movie a combined 40 times in our lives. It is a magnificent rendition of the 90s-2000s teen movies that provide no advice on how to live ones life, but only provide humor for those who have already lived it.
Looks like you’ve got a thing for butt ugly girls, Mr. I have a thing for butt ugly girls – this character is amazing in the movie. An excellent mirror for the character form Varsity blues and it makes me smile everytime I hear him intervene into the plot.
Why would I? I’m just supposed to stay out of the way and say stuff like “damn, shit, and that is whack” – you can clearly use any of these three interjections at nearly anytime during a conversation. It’s basically flawless.
I know I’ve left a few movies out. But hey, it’s my blog and I suppose I’ll update as necessary. I would appreciate any and all input as to movies you enjoy and ones you believes should be broadcasted to public television more often. I will, of course, take into account my amazing taste in movies when updating to the old blog, but I still appreciate and admire all input. Cheers.
Monday, November 29, 2010
Sunday, November 28, 2010
Movies TV can Stop Broadcasting
The worst is when they show one of these terrible movies 3 nights in a row (cough, TNT, cough). If I missed it on Friday, chances are it was for a good reason. I was drinking. Heavily. And even though I escaped the boring wrath of some awful movie one night a weekend, now I have to go out of my way to miss it not only on Saturday but on Sunday as well. Not to mention, it basically kills any option for a semblance of an enjoyable movie on an otherwise reasonable channel that I may have enjoyed watching while pregaming.
Lord of the Rings 1,2, and 3 - I am completely sick of watching this movie on television. The first time I saw the movie I will admit that I was glued to it for only one reason: I don’t read books that often and have never read the hobbit and therefore do not know the outcome of this movie and had to watch to find out how everything ended. Luckily for me, however, I’ve seen the movie once, have access to the internet, and never need to see 3 hours of walking again to figure out that Frodo took way to fucking long to get a piece of metal into a volcano. Watch Dante’s Peak. Volcano’s erupt in about 45 minutes…get on my level.
Semi-Pro – sorry Will Ferral. You aren’t funny. I’m sick and tired of watching you make an ass of yourself on television just because you have the last name Ferral and the first name Will. I don’t even know if I’ve spelled your last name correctly but I do not care. You haven’t been funny since Old School. Cut it out.
X-Men Origins: Wolverine
I don’t know why television can’t just broadcast the regular X-Men movie for my viewing pleasure. Granted, I guess I would like to know how and why Wolverine has such masculine and invincible qualities but I think that a 30 second montague in the original X-Men movie would suffice. I don’t need 45 minutes to an hour of lead up just to find out what I already knew: he is a synthetic production of a laboratory in the Midwest somewhere and he has the patience for nothing besides a Big Mac. Guy’s a G, but the movie about his origin sucks cock.
Drumline – just kidding. Love this movie. As Giles Norton would put it…Disney N***as.
Con-Air – So I liked this movie the first 5 times I saw it. After a while, though, Nicholas Cage’s turr-a-bull southern accent, unsightly locks, and unappealing wife beater look just kind of turned me off. Although the cast is that of all stars, the flash back memories I receive about Ben Mandel from Steve Buscemi’s character is just too much to bear.
The Replacements – I like the idea. I like the plotline and I like where the producers tried to take it. However, if they just showed the recruitment scene where they put together a squad of the biggest, baddest, deafest, and worst hands but fastest speed wide receivers (7 up guy) I would watch that movie all day. The same goes for the longest yard, Ocean’s 11, 12, and 13. Can’t do it anymore, Shane Falco.
There are many more out there but I know that you have attention spans that are longer than mine (who doesn't?) but not by much. I'll leave it here for now, but rather enjoy pointing out movies that have long overstayed their welcome on public broadcast and feel sure I may have a sequal to this before too long.
Lord of the Rings 1,2, and 3 - I am completely sick of watching this movie on television. The first time I saw the movie I will admit that I was glued to it for only one reason: I don’t read books that often and have never read the hobbit and therefore do not know the outcome of this movie and had to watch to find out how everything ended. Luckily for me, however, I’ve seen the movie once, have access to the internet, and never need to see 3 hours of walking again to figure out that Frodo took way to fucking long to get a piece of metal into a volcano. Watch Dante’s Peak. Volcano’s erupt in about 45 minutes…get on my level.
Semi-Pro – sorry Will Ferral. You aren’t funny. I’m sick and tired of watching you make an ass of yourself on television just because you have the last name Ferral and the first name Will. I don’t even know if I’ve spelled your last name correctly but I do not care. You haven’t been funny since Old School. Cut it out.
X-Men Origins: Wolverine
I don’t know why television can’t just broadcast the regular X-Men movie for my viewing pleasure. Granted, I guess I would like to know how and why Wolverine has such masculine and invincible qualities but I think that a 30 second montague in the original X-Men movie would suffice. I don’t need 45 minutes to an hour of lead up just to find out what I already knew: he is a synthetic production of a laboratory in the Midwest somewhere and he has the patience for nothing besides a Big Mac. Guy’s a G, but the movie about his origin sucks cock.
Drumline – just kidding. Love this movie. As Giles Norton would put it…Disney N***as.
Con-Air – So I liked this movie the first 5 times I saw it. After a while, though, Nicholas Cage’s turr-a-bull southern accent, unsightly locks, and unappealing wife beater look just kind of turned me off. Although the cast is that of all stars, the flash back memories I receive about Ben Mandel from Steve Buscemi’s character is just too much to bear.
The Replacements – I like the idea. I like the plotline and I like where the producers tried to take it. However, if they just showed the recruitment scene where they put together a squad of the biggest, baddest, deafest, and worst hands but fastest speed wide receivers (7 up guy) I would watch that movie all day. The same goes for the longest yard, Ocean’s 11, 12, and 13. Can’t do it anymore, Shane Falco.
There are many more out there but I know that you have attention spans that are longer than mine (who doesn't?) but not by much. I'll leave it here for now, but rather enjoy pointing out movies that have long overstayed their welcome on public broadcast and feel sure I may have a sequal to this before too long.
Thursday, November 25, 2010
Forwarded Message from Birdman
"I gained 35 lbs! I'm bench pressin 280, riding like 500 miles a week, and swimming 10 miles a week in a pool"
-Sturgis
-Sturgis
Wednesday, November 24, 2010
So Upset
So I have been playing a ton of Wii over the last couple days. 100% of the time I've spent playing it has been under the guise of Yoshi: bringer of pain on his weapon of choice: the mach bike. For you n00bs out there, that's Mario Kart.
Today I decided that I can only beat the Mario Kart game so many times so I figured I'd try out the Legend of Zelda game. I've never been one for Zelda, but I watched Hall play it one time and it looked like a decent time.
So things started out okay. I hereded some goats, rode a horse, checked out my house, you know...things like that. Then I realized that in order to get some village shopkeeper's cat back to her, I needed to feed it a fish. So I got to fishing. I began optimistically as almost all fishing trips do. I had a couple brews, a nice pole, great fishing rod as well, and a nice spot by the river. a couple minutes went by and no fish. Then a couple more minutes passed and my frustration was building at an alarming rate. Then even more minutes and I looked at the clock and saw that I had been cyber fishing for over 45 minutes. I was literally ready to throw Lucy across the room. Absolutely livid.
I have to say, as far as lifelike games go, this one takes the cake. It is exactly like real fishing. I drink beer, post up on a nice spot by the river, and don't catch anything for over 45 minutes. I was so fucking pissed that I threw the controller at the oouch, kicked a can over, called Hall for advice, and turned on 2 and a half men. Yeah, I know. It was bad. Seriously though...it's a fucking video game. If the hardest thing I've had to do in 2 hours o f playing it is catch a fucking fish, there is no way I'm ever going to beat that game. Seriously, the game is supposed to be about collecting rare gems, throwing little blue bombs, and slicing people up with your sword...and I can't manage to catch a fish.
Such a fucking waste of my time. So upset right now.
Today I decided that I can only beat the Mario Kart game so many times so I figured I'd try out the Legend of Zelda game. I've never been one for Zelda, but I watched Hall play it one time and it looked like a decent time.
So things started out okay. I hereded some goats, rode a horse, checked out my house, you know...things like that. Then I realized that in order to get some village shopkeeper's cat back to her, I needed to feed it a fish. So I got to fishing. I began optimistically as almost all fishing trips do. I had a couple brews, a nice pole, great fishing rod as well, and a nice spot by the river. a couple minutes went by and no fish. Then a couple more minutes passed and my frustration was building at an alarming rate. Then even more minutes and I looked at the clock and saw that I had been cyber fishing for over 45 minutes. I was literally ready to throw Lucy across the room. Absolutely livid.
I have to say, as far as lifelike games go, this one takes the cake. It is exactly like real fishing. I drink beer, post up on a nice spot by the river, and don't catch anything for over 45 minutes. I was so fucking pissed that I threw the controller at the oouch, kicked a can over, called Hall for advice, and turned on 2 and a half men. Yeah, I know. It was bad. Seriously though...it's a fucking video game. If the hardest thing I've had to do in 2 hours o f playing it is catch a fucking fish, there is no way I'm ever going to beat that game. Seriously, the game is supposed to be about collecting rare gems, throwing little blue bombs, and slicing people up with your sword...and I can't manage to catch a fish.
Such a fucking waste of my time. So upset right now.
Tuesday, November 23, 2010
Forwarded Message from Lyon3000
So I have been housesitting for the last couple days in a house that belongs ot the parents of a girl I have known for about 2 and half months. Awesome.
---------- Forwarded message ----------
From: Lyon3000
Date: Tue, Nov 23, 2010 at 8:19 PM
Subject: Update!
To: Lo-Ro, D-Rob
Hi Family!
I hope everyone is having a splendid time in the magnificent US Virgin Islands. I hear you’re all down on St. Thomas right now and it must feel good to have your feet firmly planted on US soil. I knew a kid in high school that I played hockey with, his name was Zach Kirwin, whose father lived on St. Thomas and by some lucky stroke of fate, he got to leave dreary, drab, and uneventful Barnstable, MA after his freshman and live with that very same father in St. Thomas. I will say there is probably not much hockey in St. Thomas; still perhaps you will run into them.
But I digress; I suppose it’s time for me to give you a big strong update from Prospect, Kentucky. I am nearly certain you’re not missing anything back here. After all, you have the family, you have the cruise, and you certainly have the sun, sand, and surf. Nevertheless, I realize that it is my duty as a house sitter to update you as to the goings on back at home.I regret to inform you that I have not actually sat on the house yet. The closest I have come is only to sit on the front stoop while I wait for Lucy and Beckly (sp?) to tire themselves out. I’m sorry to have let you down in this respect but I feel certain that I’m earning top marks in all areas otherwise.
There are a few things of note that I would like to address. First, I found the Boston Red Sox Turvis Tumblers. First of all, I know that you must have purchased those in the last couple months knowing that I was to look after you home. Second, my grandmother’s go to gift at any point during the year is the Tervis Tumbler.Third, I love the pirate Tumblers as well. I like to live my life as I imagined a Buccaneer would have live his. Do you know they are guaranteed for life? You can literally go to a thrift store, buy old, cracked, and decrepit tumblers and send them in for brand spanking new ones. ¾ of the glasses in my home are either Turvis Tumblers or monogramed JAL wine glasses (for my father). A joke: how much did the pirate charge at his piercing parlor? A Buck-an-eer!
I have been taking most excellent care of the dogs. I have bathroomed them several times a day and rewarded good behavior with treats and lots of love. I liken the situation to a good friend of mine and Psychology pioneer, Ivan Pavlov who rewarded good behavior of his very own German Shepherd in order to facilitate and encourage more of that very same good behavior.
I have made several spectacular meals. I really must take a moment out to remark on how talented I am at whipping up frozen pizza. But no, really, I am quite the cook. I hope it’s alright that I fired up the big green egg on Saturday to watch some football to while grilling burgers. I know you are all dying to find out who won the Patriots/Colts game and I can assure you with a settled mind that the good guys have indeed emerged victorious. I watched the game outside in the 65 degree weather (tame, I know, compared to the tropical weather you all are experiencing) and enjoyed some delicious flame broiled burgers the likes of which I have never seen. Similarly, tonight a made a bomb omlette…a bomblette if you will. I included the fantastic ingredients of bacon, bacon, bacon, and a bit of corn. I looked around for some greens but found none and I have never been happier. It is at this point in my update that I must take some time and thank you again for stocking the fridge. I could not appreciate anything more. I have eaten like a king and slept like the princess sans the pea. Also, I must say that the Gushers are a huge hit at work. Everyone is extremely envious.
After getting over my initial fear of inhabiting an entire house all by my lonesome one the first evening (the fear was indeed quite sizeable), I began my campaign for the elusive and eclectic 150cc Mario Kart Special Cup. Rest assured that I have beat the entire game in all modes with Yoshi currently and you will never again have to worry about playing or not playing with King Boo, Funky Kong, Baby Dasiy, or Baby Luigi. You’re welcome.
Tonight being the eve of Wednesday, I have indeed taken the garbage out to the curb in concurrence with your suggestion and I am optimistic that tomorrow morning will bring another glorious garbage pickup. I plan to update you on the goings on of things of this nature as the events unfold. Speaking of smelly things, I utilized your very confusing but very efficient, competent, and economical front load washer last evening. I am happy to say that my shirts, after a good ironing, no longer look like I have very recently unpacked them from a cardboard box as they have for approximately 2 months now. I thank you for that.
My thanksgiving plans consist of my buying a bottle of American Honey Bourbon and bringing it to the house of a woman that I work with. I believe it is somewhat trite for me to say that when I have bourbon in social gatherings I really come out of my shell. I anticipate a fantastic evening of football and getting to know a very lax and enjoyable group of Kentuckians.
As for the puppies, everyone is doing fine. I must say, Beckly (sp? This is the last time that I will use the addendum “sp?” because I believe I have already established that I do not know the correct spelling of his name) has certainly been pushing the envelope as far as being a cordial and mannered young fellow. I also feel confident to say that the other dogs in the house have taken notice and made sure to let him know, in dog speak, that very few asinine and sophomoric actions fly in my house. Haley has been especially good at behaving, while I still cannot quite get over how large Kenny is. I love them both the same and am happy to give them both pats on the head, kibbles and bits, and water whenever they look at me with that question and appetitive gaze.
I have to be honest to say that Lucy is my favorite. Very often I will take her out front with Beckly (as he is completely incompetent and lost without his front yard leash walk) and I will take her up the street a small ways, beckoning her with the highest frequency voice I am capable, only to watch her turn tail and sprint back for the house. SO CUTE. She has slept with me every night so far and last night was especially amusing while at the same time exhausting. There was a very powerful and compelling thunderstorm last night that I had no idea was occurring until I woke up thinking that I had an XBOX or Nintendo Wii controller next to my head. I awoke to a very scared and docile Lucy shaking like a salt shaker; obviously terrified of the loud and earsplitting thunder outside of the house. I had to scratch her back and tummy for about an hour to calm her down but she was SO CUTE. My dogs do the same thing but I will tell you that there is much disparity between a 65 pound German Shepherd and a 10 pound fluffy ball of cuteness.
Speaking of Lucy, I was walking her and Beckly the other day and I met a very nice lady from the neighborhood name Leslie with a dog that looked strikingly similar to Beckly. I went up, introduced myself and asked the name of her dog. I thought she pointed and little baby fluffball Lucy and said “Lucy”. To which I replied, “Yes, this is Lucy. Beckly is on the leash” and then went into the ownership of both dogs and how Meghan and Lauren’s parents had asked me to look after their abode while they were gone. After a brief and very awkward hiatus, it came to pass that Leslie’s dog was actually named Lucy and that she probably had no idea as to the context of the story of which I had just narrated to her. Needless to say, thing where a tad awkward after that. No matter, I see her every day and I have since smoothed things over.
I suppose that is all the update for now. If you have read until this point, bless your heart. I hardly expect anyone to have read this far so I will tell you something that not many people know about me. My favorite country: America. My favorite band: Goo Goo Dolls. And despite my history of manly, masculine, and virile hobbies I have never broken a bone. Plenty of stitches, though. Anyways, I hope you are all doing well. I miss the good cheer you bring about but suffice it to say that I am taking care of your wide screen television and most importantly, all of the puppies.
All best,
Jason
---------- Forwarded message ----------
From: Lyon3000
Date: Tue, Nov 23, 2010 at 8:19 PM
Subject: Update!
To: Lo-Ro, D-Rob
Hi Family!
I hope everyone is having a splendid time in the magnificent US Virgin Islands. I hear you’re all down on St. Thomas right now and it must feel good to have your feet firmly planted on US soil. I knew a kid in high school that I played hockey with, his name was Zach Kirwin, whose father lived on St. Thomas and by some lucky stroke of fate, he got to leave dreary, drab, and uneventful Barnstable, MA after his freshman and live with that very same father in St. Thomas. I will say there is probably not much hockey in St. Thomas; still perhaps you will run into them.
But I digress; I suppose it’s time for me to give you a big strong update from Prospect, Kentucky. I am nearly certain you’re not missing anything back here. After all, you have the family, you have the cruise, and you certainly have the sun, sand, and surf. Nevertheless, I realize that it is my duty as a house sitter to update you as to the goings on back at home.I regret to inform you that I have not actually sat on the house yet. The closest I have come is only to sit on the front stoop while I wait for Lucy and Beckly (sp?) to tire themselves out. I’m sorry to have let you down in this respect but I feel certain that I’m earning top marks in all areas otherwise.
There are a few things of note that I would like to address. First, I found the Boston Red Sox Turvis Tumblers. First of all, I know that you must have purchased those in the last couple months knowing that I was to look after you home. Second, my grandmother’s go to gift at any point during the year is the Tervis Tumbler.Third, I love the pirate Tumblers as well. I like to live my life as I imagined a Buccaneer would have live his. Do you know they are guaranteed for life? You can literally go to a thrift store, buy old, cracked, and decrepit tumblers and send them in for brand spanking new ones. ¾ of the glasses in my home are either Turvis Tumblers or monogramed JAL wine glasses (for my father). A joke: how much did the pirate charge at his piercing parlor? A Buck-an-eer!
I have been taking most excellent care of the dogs. I have bathroomed them several times a day and rewarded good behavior with treats and lots of love. I liken the situation to a good friend of mine and Psychology pioneer, Ivan Pavlov who rewarded good behavior of his very own German Shepherd in order to facilitate and encourage more of that very same good behavior.
I have made several spectacular meals. I really must take a moment out to remark on how talented I am at whipping up frozen pizza. But no, really, I am quite the cook. I hope it’s alright that I fired up the big green egg on Saturday to watch some football to while grilling burgers. I know you are all dying to find out who won the Patriots/Colts game and I can assure you with a settled mind that the good guys have indeed emerged victorious. I watched the game outside in the 65 degree weather (tame, I know, compared to the tropical weather you all are experiencing) and enjoyed some delicious flame broiled burgers the likes of which I have never seen. Similarly, tonight a made a bomb omlette…a bomblette if you will. I included the fantastic ingredients of bacon, bacon, bacon, and a bit of corn. I looked around for some greens but found none and I have never been happier. It is at this point in my update that I must take some time and thank you again for stocking the fridge. I could not appreciate anything more. I have eaten like a king and slept like the princess sans the pea. Also, I must say that the Gushers are a huge hit at work. Everyone is extremely envious.
After getting over my initial fear of inhabiting an entire house all by my lonesome one the first evening (the fear was indeed quite sizeable), I began my campaign for the elusive and eclectic 150cc Mario Kart Special Cup. Rest assured that I have beat the entire game in all modes with Yoshi currently and you will never again have to worry about playing or not playing with King Boo, Funky Kong, Baby Dasiy, or Baby Luigi. You’re welcome.
Tonight being the eve of Wednesday, I have indeed taken the garbage out to the curb in concurrence with your suggestion and I am optimistic that tomorrow morning will bring another glorious garbage pickup. I plan to update you on the goings on of things of this nature as the events unfold. Speaking of smelly things, I utilized your very confusing but very efficient, competent, and economical front load washer last evening. I am happy to say that my shirts, after a good ironing, no longer look like I have very recently unpacked them from a cardboard box as they have for approximately 2 months now. I thank you for that.
My thanksgiving plans consist of my buying a bottle of American Honey Bourbon and bringing it to the house of a woman that I work with. I believe it is somewhat trite for me to say that when I have bourbon in social gatherings I really come out of my shell. I anticipate a fantastic evening of football and getting to know a very lax and enjoyable group of Kentuckians.
As for the puppies, everyone is doing fine. I must say, Beckly (sp? This is the last time that I will use the addendum “sp?” because I believe I have already established that I do not know the correct spelling of his name) has certainly been pushing the envelope as far as being a cordial and mannered young fellow. I also feel confident to say that the other dogs in the house have taken notice and made sure to let him know, in dog speak, that very few asinine and sophomoric actions fly in my house. Haley has been especially good at behaving, while I still cannot quite get over how large Kenny is. I love them both the same and am happy to give them both pats on the head, kibbles and bits, and water whenever they look at me with that question and appetitive gaze.
I have to be honest to say that Lucy is my favorite. Very often I will take her out front with Beckly (as he is completely incompetent and lost without his front yard leash walk) and I will take her up the street a small ways, beckoning her with the highest frequency voice I am capable, only to watch her turn tail and sprint back for the house. SO CUTE. She has slept with me every night so far and last night was especially amusing while at the same time exhausting. There was a very powerful and compelling thunderstorm last night that I had no idea was occurring until I woke up thinking that I had an XBOX or Nintendo Wii controller next to my head. I awoke to a very scared and docile Lucy shaking like a salt shaker; obviously terrified of the loud and earsplitting thunder outside of the house. I had to scratch her back and tummy for about an hour to calm her down but she was SO CUTE. My dogs do the same thing but I will tell you that there is much disparity between a 65 pound German Shepherd and a 10 pound fluffy ball of cuteness.
Speaking of Lucy, I was walking her and Beckly the other day and I met a very nice lady from the neighborhood name Leslie with a dog that looked strikingly similar to Beckly. I went up, introduced myself and asked the name of her dog. I thought she pointed and little baby fluffball Lucy and said “Lucy”. To which I replied, “Yes, this is Lucy. Beckly is on the leash” and then went into the ownership of both dogs and how Meghan and Lauren’s parents had asked me to look after their abode while they were gone. After a brief and very awkward hiatus, it came to pass that Leslie’s dog was actually named Lucy and that she probably had no idea as to the context of the story of which I had just narrated to her. Needless to say, thing where a tad awkward after that. No matter, I see her every day and I have since smoothed things over.
I suppose that is all the update for now. If you have read until this point, bless your heart. I hardly expect anyone to have read this far so I will tell you something that not many people know about me. My favorite country: America. My favorite band: Goo Goo Dolls. And despite my history of manly, masculine, and virile hobbies I have never broken a bone. Plenty of stitches, though. Anyways, I hope you are all doing well. I miss the good cheer you bring about but suffice it to say that I am taking care of your wide screen television and most importantly, all of the puppies.
All best,
Jason
Monday, November 22, 2010
FDA ain't got nothing on me
A lot of time that I spent as a child was dominated by 3 things. 1. Playing hockey. 2. Playing this game with my sisters called can’t touch the ground. 3. Trying to convince my mom to buy cereal that didn’t suck. Notice I said childhood. If I had said adolescence, there would be 3 very different activities that I would have mentioned. Seriously, everytime she went to the store, she must have beelined for the aisle entitled “Cereal that is neither kid tested, mother approved, or guaranteed to not try to fellate you”. A lot of losing in the Lyon household.
In order for me to find a bonafide winner in what the actual best kids cereal is, I’ve decided to put together a cereal bracket (cereacket) to find excctly which is the winner. Set up in true tournament style, I can only believe that the best cereal will win. I seeded this based to who I think should pull rank against the other cereals in the list. I don’t want to hear you whine about cereals I left out (maybe) and I definitely don’t want to hear you argue about the ranking system. As 1/3 of the authority on last year’s pong tournament rankings, I am eligible and fully qualified to pit these fine cereals against eachother.
And yes, I know I left out rice krispies. If they aren’t made into [lip] Treats, I don’t even want to fucks with them.
1CTC
2Me want honeycomb
3Golden grahams
4Kix
5Trix
6Lucky Charms
7Honey nut cheerios
8Apple jacks
9Fruit loops
10Capn Krunch
11Frosted Flakes
12Cookie crisp
13Cuckoo for cocoa puffs
14Fruity pebbles
15Smacks
16Great Grains
Round 1: The Taste
Match 1: Cinnamon Toast Crunch vs. Great Grains
Ummm…I’m pretty sure I don’t need to go into this too far. Not only does Great Grains taste the same way going in that it does going out, it looks the same too. In order to secure both your and my opinion, I will be sure to mention that there have been, on several occasions, instances in which I have no milk in my refrigerator but a box of CTC. I have eaten as just such an occasion and many times, CTC without milk, no, but instead with water. That’s how good the taste is. Advantage delicious Cinnamon Toast Crunch
Match 2: Honeycomb vs. Smacks
Smacks is a tasty cereal, no question. But something about the milk that’s left in the bowl afterwards just rubs me the wrong way. On the other hand, honeycomb definitely not only rubs me the right way, it rubs me until I’m finished and then cleans up afterwards. Honeycomb is a delicious treat and I have nothing bad so say about it’s taste.
Match 3: Golden Grahams vs. Fruity Pebbles
Fruity Pebbles is a good tasting cereal. I unfortunately think that they stole their taste from Fruit Loops and cannot respect anyone who does not cite their source. Gold Grahams has an amazing Graham flavor and the taste it provides me is nothing less than gold. In this case, this gold can stay.
Match 4: Kix vs. Cocoa Puffs
Kix are a delicious treat that provided me endless joy as a young, adolescent, and adult individual. Cocoa puffs are good in general, but nothing about them really wows me. Yes, I respect their attempt to take the cake, but there are so many Chocolate flavored cereals out there and I can’t give Cocoa puffs the top peg.
Match 5: Trix vs. Cookie Crisp
No question, Trixs. If I wanted chocolate chip cookie goodness I’d either go to Ben and Jerrys, or I’d hit up Kroger and get myself a log…of cookie dough.
Match 6: Lucky Charms vs. Frosted Flakes
This is a tough one. I really like Frosted Flakes. It’s a great flavor, and you really can’t go wrong with the sugary goodness. The Lucky charms are tasty because they have little marshmallows just stuck right in the cereal so that when the kids eat them they think “oh this is candy, I’m having fun”. Frosted flakes can get a bit soggy towards the end of the bowl, but I think that pales in comparison to what the marshmallows become when you’re nearing climax on a bowl. Advantage Charms. "Their always after me lucky charms".
Match 7: Honey Nut Cheerios vs. Capn Krunch
Capn Krunch has an amazing flavor. Although Honey nut does as well and also is heart-healthy, I don’t really give a shit about taking care of my body at this point in my life and I’m going to give the checkered flag to Capn Krunch.
Match 8: Apple Jacks vs. Fruit Loops
This is a difficult call to make. Both have equal sogginess (none) towards the end of the bowl, similar flavor, and the exact same shape. I’m going to give this one to the Apple Jacks because I can’t stand that stupid fucking toucan. Huge nose claiming to be a toucan? I know better. Nice try, Madoff. Advantage Apple Jacks.
Round 2: The Slogan
1 Cinnamon toast crunch
2 Honeycomb
3 Golden Grahams
4 Kix
5 Trix
6 Lucky Charms
7 Capn Crunch
8 Apple Jacks
Match 1: The Taste You Can See vs. We Eat What We Like
Okay so it’s no secret I have a predisposition and therefore a serious chub for CTC. It’s the taste that I can see and have been able to see for a long time. In fact, I can see so clearly that sometimes when I get the last bowl of CTC and my sisters couldn’t get any, I’ll just leave it on the table so that they can see exactly what they’re missing. Before I make any rash decisions, I suppose I must give Apple Jacks a fair shake. Being an adult without parents I often do what I want. Apple Jacks, similarly, is all about eating what you like. I see one discrepancy in the parity here, however. Often times, I need to do things that I want that I do not like. For example, the other evening I had to drink 2 four lokos in under 20 minutes so that I could black out. I didn’t necessarily like drinking the 4 lokos that quickly, but I accomplished the means to achieve an end. Advantage CTC.
Match 2: Me Want Honeycomb vs. Makin it happen with the Capn
I really really like honeycomb. I could eat about a dozen boxes in one sitting. There really is nothing like emphasizing how much you like something by reiterating the superlative “really”. On the other hand, I like making things happen. I must inspect that 2 foot 6 captain of the seas, the Cap’n. Great looking guy, hell of a moustache, and probably a nice package to boot. And although I like his moustache and over sized hat, I’ve got to give the advantage to Honeycomb.
Match 3. How do they cram all the Graham vs. Too fucking long to write
Seriously? I know how they cram all that Gram into that golden Graham. I saw it online where they crammed waaaaay too much into a space much smaller than a cereal box. Google Sasha Grey Gangbang and we’ll be on the same level. That being said, I know about cramming things, and I’m giving the advantage to the pots of gold and rainbows and perhaps a red balloon.
Match 4: Kid Tested Mother Approved vs. Silly Rabbit Trix are for Kids
Like the Kix Mascot. They are tasty, mother approved (except mine), and the shape of my favorite geometric object, but I have got to go with that silly Rabbit. My mother didn’t approve shit, and that Rabbit’s slogan just slayed me. If you want to hear something funny, listen to me digress.
So apparently in this old old fable there was an Ogre who was Jewish. A bunch of people living below his mountain were called Trids. He terrorized them and such until one day they all climbed the mountain with their Rabbi to make peace with the Ogre. He kicked all of them down the mountain except the rabbi. When asked by the Rabbi why he didn’t kick him down the mountain, the Ogre replied “silly Rabbi, kicks are for Trids!”. I think that was in the bible or at least the old testament. I bet those Trids were after the Ogre’s Jew Gold.
Round 3: The Mascot
Match 1: CTC vs. Trixie the Rabbit
Although I think that silly rabbit would make a wholesome target for my .17 air rifle, I really have to respect what he's doing. Really liking that mascot and because I can’t think of a mascot for CTC besides that piece of shit chef guy or some obnoxious piece of shit middle schooler asking me annoying questions, I’m giving this advantage to that silly Rabbit. Hopefully he gets some Trix since he's been jonesing for them for a couple decades now. Help a brother out.
Match 2: Tazmanian Honey Devil vs. Lucky
Me really really like honeycomb. I love that crazy little fuzzball half bee half tazmanian devil half manebearpig mascot and there is very little I can do to ignore those feelings. I really just can’t get my head around how awesome that Honeycomb mascot is though. It’s like a crack fiend but instead of having to go down to the corner of main and third like any normal sensible person, his fix lies in the aisle right between the frozen pizza and the canned soup. All he has to do is sneak into his momma’s room when she’s asleep and grab 5, 10 dollars out, hit up the local Kroger and he’s in business. Advantage Honeycomb. Suck my balls, Kyle.
Round 4: Head to Head
Trix vs. Honeycomb
Both of these cereals are fantastic. Honeycomb with it’s sweet saturated honey goodness. And Trix with the delicious ambrosia like nectar flavor it leaves behind in the bowl after it’s crunchy cereal delicacies are long gone. Honeycomb in all its splendor and grundle chilling glory…Trix and its many flavors of tropical tightness. I can only choose one and that is why I choose Trix. I love the milk it leaves behind after I’ve had my way with 8 different flavors. I love the size of the cereal especially compared to the large after dinner mint sized Honeycomb. I love the fact that it’s mascot has been able to compete (against seemingly insurmountable odds) the easter bunny for mascot prowess. I just love everything about the cereal. Big win for Trix.
WARNING: this post took me a long time. Yes, I realize that this warning is at the incorrect end of the post but hey, don't curr. If you're not ready to ready it all the way through, you better x-out now. If you are, appreciate it and realize that I worked hard on this thing. Okay, not really. I just kind of got drunk and this is the product (sound familiar anyone?). Anyways, give it a shot.
In order for me to find a bonafide winner in what the actual best kids cereal is, I’ve decided to put together a cereal bracket (cereacket) to find excctly which is the winner. Set up in true tournament style, I can only believe that the best cereal will win. I seeded this based to who I think should pull rank against the other cereals in the list. I don’t want to hear you whine about cereals I left out (maybe) and I definitely don’t want to hear you argue about the ranking system. As 1/3 of the authority on last year’s pong tournament rankings, I am eligible and fully qualified to pit these fine cereals against eachother.
And yes, I know I left out rice krispies. If they aren’t made into [lip] Treats, I don’t even want to fucks with them.
1CTC
2Me want honeycomb
3Golden grahams
4Kix
5Trix
6Lucky Charms
7Honey nut cheerios
8Apple jacks
9Fruit loops
10Capn Krunch
11Frosted Flakes
12Cookie crisp
13Cuckoo for cocoa puffs
14Fruity pebbles
15Smacks
16Great Grains
Round 1: The Taste
Match 1: Cinnamon Toast Crunch vs. Great Grains
Ummm…I’m pretty sure I don’t need to go into this too far. Not only does Great Grains taste the same way going in that it does going out, it looks the same too. In order to secure both your and my opinion, I will be sure to mention that there have been, on several occasions, instances in which I have no milk in my refrigerator but a box of CTC. I have eaten as just such an occasion and many times, CTC without milk, no, but instead with water. That’s how good the taste is. Advantage delicious Cinnamon Toast Crunch
Match 2: Honeycomb vs. Smacks
Smacks is a tasty cereal, no question. But something about the milk that’s left in the bowl afterwards just rubs me the wrong way. On the other hand, honeycomb definitely not only rubs me the right way, it rubs me until I’m finished and then cleans up afterwards. Honeycomb is a delicious treat and I have nothing bad so say about it’s taste.
Match 3: Golden Grahams vs. Fruity Pebbles
Fruity Pebbles is a good tasting cereal. I unfortunately think that they stole their taste from Fruit Loops and cannot respect anyone who does not cite their source. Gold Grahams has an amazing Graham flavor and the taste it provides me is nothing less than gold. In this case, this gold can stay.
Match 4: Kix vs. Cocoa Puffs
Kix are a delicious treat that provided me endless joy as a young, adolescent, and adult individual. Cocoa puffs are good in general, but nothing about them really wows me. Yes, I respect their attempt to take the cake, but there are so many Chocolate flavored cereals out there and I can’t give Cocoa puffs the top peg.
Match 5: Trix vs. Cookie Crisp
No question, Trixs. If I wanted chocolate chip cookie goodness I’d either go to Ben and Jerrys, or I’d hit up Kroger and get myself a log…of cookie dough.
Match 6: Lucky Charms vs. Frosted Flakes
This is a tough one. I really like Frosted Flakes. It’s a great flavor, and you really can’t go wrong with the sugary goodness. The Lucky charms are tasty because they have little marshmallows just stuck right in the cereal so that when the kids eat them they think “oh this is candy, I’m having fun”. Frosted flakes can get a bit soggy towards the end of the bowl, but I think that pales in comparison to what the marshmallows become when you’re nearing climax on a bowl. Advantage Charms. "Their always after me lucky charms".
Match 7: Honey Nut Cheerios vs. Capn Krunch
Capn Krunch has an amazing flavor. Although Honey nut does as well and also is heart-healthy, I don’t really give a shit about taking care of my body at this point in my life and I’m going to give the checkered flag to Capn Krunch.
Match 8: Apple Jacks vs. Fruit Loops
This is a difficult call to make. Both have equal sogginess (none) towards the end of the bowl, similar flavor, and the exact same shape. I’m going to give this one to the Apple Jacks because I can’t stand that stupid fucking toucan. Huge nose claiming to be a toucan? I know better. Nice try, Madoff. Advantage Apple Jacks.
Round 2: The Slogan
1 Cinnamon toast crunch
2 Honeycomb
3 Golden Grahams
4 Kix
5 Trix
6 Lucky Charms
7 Capn Crunch
8 Apple Jacks
Match 1: The Taste You Can See vs. We Eat What We Like
Okay so it’s no secret I have a predisposition and therefore a serious chub for CTC. It’s the taste that I can see and have been able to see for a long time. In fact, I can see so clearly that sometimes when I get the last bowl of CTC and my sisters couldn’t get any, I’ll just leave it on the table so that they can see exactly what they’re missing. Before I make any rash decisions, I suppose I must give Apple Jacks a fair shake. Being an adult without parents I often do what I want. Apple Jacks, similarly, is all about eating what you like. I see one discrepancy in the parity here, however. Often times, I need to do things that I want that I do not like. For example, the other evening I had to drink 2 four lokos in under 20 minutes so that I could black out. I didn’t necessarily like drinking the 4 lokos that quickly, but I accomplished the means to achieve an end. Advantage CTC.
Match 2: Me Want Honeycomb vs. Makin it happen with the Capn
I really really like honeycomb. I could eat about a dozen boxes in one sitting. There really is nothing like emphasizing how much you like something by reiterating the superlative “really”. On the other hand, I like making things happen. I must inspect that 2 foot 6 captain of the seas, the Cap’n. Great looking guy, hell of a moustache, and probably a nice package to boot. And although I like his moustache and over sized hat, I’ve got to give the advantage to Honeycomb.
Match 3. How do they cram all the Graham vs. Too fucking long to write
Seriously? I know how they cram all that Gram into that golden Graham. I saw it online where they crammed waaaaay too much into a space much smaller than a cereal box. Google Sasha Grey Gangbang and we’ll be on the same level. That being said, I know about cramming things, and I’m giving the advantage to the pots of gold and rainbows and perhaps a red balloon.
Match 4: Kid Tested Mother Approved vs. Silly Rabbit Trix are for Kids
Like the Kix Mascot. They are tasty, mother approved (except mine), and the shape of my favorite geometric object, but I have got to go with that silly Rabbit. My mother didn’t approve shit, and that Rabbit’s slogan just slayed me. If you want to hear something funny, listen to me digress.
So apparently in this old old fable there was an Ogre who was Jewish. A bunch of people living below his mountain were called Trids. He terrorized them and such until one day they all climbed the mountain with their Rabbi to make peace with the Ogre. He kicked all of them down the mountain except the rabbi. When asked by the Rabbi why he didn’t kick him down the mountain, the Ogre replied “silly Rabbi, kicks are for Trids!”. I think that was in the bible or at least the old testament. I bet those Trids were after the Ogre’s Jew Gold.
Round 3: The Mascot
Match 1: CTC vs. Trixie the Rabbit
Although I think that silly rabbit would make a wholesome target for my .17 air rifle, I really have to respect what he's doing. Really liking that mascot and because I can’t think of a mascot for CTC besides that piece of shit chef guy or some obnoxious piece of shit middle schooler asking me annoying questions, I’m giving this advantage to that silly Rabbit. Hopefully he gets some Trix since he's been jonesing for them for a couple decades now. Help a brother out.
Match 2: Tazmanian Honey Devil vs. Lucky
Me really really like honeycomb. I love that crazy little fuzzball half bee half tazmanian devil half manebearpig mascot and there is very little I can do to ignore those feelings. I really just can’t get my head around how awesome that Honeycomb mascot is though. It’s like a crack fiend but instead of having to go down to the corner of main and third like any normal sensible person, his fix lies in the aisle right between the frozen pizza and the canned soup. All he has to do is sneak into his momma’s room when she’s asleep and grab 5, 10 dollars out, hit up the local Kroger and he’s in business. Advantage Honeycomb. Suck my balls, Kyle.
Round 4: Head to Head
Trix vs. Honeycomb
Both of these cereals are fantastic. Honeycomb with it’s sweet saturated honey goodness. And Trix with the delicious ambrosia like nectar flavor it leaves behind in the bowl after it’s crunchy cereal delicacies are long gone. Honeycomb in all its splendor and grundle chilling glory…Trix and its many flavors of tropical tightness. I can only choose one and that is why I choose Trix. I love the milk it leaves behind after I’ve had my way with 8 different flavors. I love the size of the cereal especially compared to the large after dinner mint sized Honeycomb. I love the fact that it’s mascot has been able to compete (against seemingly insurmountable odds) the easter bunny for mascot prowess. I just love everything about the cereal. Big win for Trix.
WARNING: this post took me a long time. Yes, I realize that this warning is at the incorrect end of the post but hey, don't curr. If you're not ready to ready it all the way through, you better x-out now. If you are, appreciate it and realize that I worked hard on this thing. Okay, not really. I just kind of got drunk and this is the product (sound familiar anyone?). Anyways, give it a shot.
Sunday, November 21, 2010
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