Twilight

What I have to talk to you about today is a little embarrassing. I’ve been watching a lot of this new movie series called Twilight. I know what you’re thinking: “Fag”. You may be right. And except for me taking down a 35 year old who has 2 kids the other night you might be right. Am I joking? You decide.

In all seriousness I never saw myself getting into anything like this. Sure, I’m into Harry Potter every now and then, and Lord of the Rings, despite all the walking, is a sweet distraction from reality every once in a while, but I have to say I never saw this coming. By this I of course mean a movie written to cater to a teenage audience about werewolves, vampires, and really ridiculously good looking human girls.

On Sunday afternoon I had just finished drinking about 10 beers while watching football and my roommate asked if I wanted to play on her indoor soccer league team. I was pretty drunk so I obviously said yes. It rocked. Except for me pulling pretty much every muscle possible in my leg and still not being able to walk, let alone run, properly it was pretty tight. After the game I wanted to relax and rich people TV was showing the same movies over and over like they usually do so I decided that instead of watching Get Shorty, Jaws, Signs, or Spies Like Us for the eighth time, I’d give Twilight a shot.

The following night I watched the second installment and the night after that I sat down with my roommate and watched the third one. I’d like to say that I only did this because my roommate promised me she’d get me a radio for my birthday so I could talk to other carbeds, but I can’t. I did it of my own volition.

I think it’s a combination of a few things.

One, the main character is the 3rd most beautiful thing I have ever seen. I can’t tell you what the other two are because they are illegal in most states but trust me, they’re tight. She looks like a cross between cher and someone hot. 80/20. The only reason she looks like Cher is because she’s a brunette. Literally, that’s it. Bad analogy. Okay if you cloned Katy Perry and somehow she and her clone had awesome scissor artificial insemination you would get the main character. I know, right?

Two, I really really want to have all the powers that Vampires have. Not so much the sucking of the blood or the living in coffins, but pretty much everything else. Part of the reason this movie is so tight is because I’m pretty sure they just made up awesomely awesome stuff that people would want to do and said that all Vampires do them. I’ve never heard of these awesome things before but the fact that Vampires can do them is the opposite of shitty. They sparkle in the sun, they run faster than anything you’ve ever seen, and they apparently are so strong they will kill you if they have sex with you. Fact. I think all of those things would be nice to do.

Three, I’m loving the werewolf in this movie. Similar to the Vampires, he’s not like you’re typical werewolf from Hollywood. He doesn’t only change when it’s a full moon or anything but he changes when he gets really pissed off or pretty much anytime he wants to in general. He’s this hunky piece of man meat that I can’t take my eyes off of. I think morphing into a gigantic wolf and kicking the piss out of anything I wanted would be pretty sweet. Plus, I’d like to give bestiality a go.

Yes, there’s a lot of weak lines aimed at 16 year old girls, but there is enough ass kicking, fournication, and fight scenes in it to make me want to see the fourth installment. That is all.